


Take My Life

by Malum_Discordiae



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Alive Carla Yeager, Alternate Universe - High School, Anxiety Disorder, Bottom Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Broken Friendship, Bullied Levi, Bully Eren Yeager, Bully Jean Kirstein, Crying Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Cutting, Depression, Eren Has Anger Issues, Eren doesn't know when to stop, Eren sleeps around with girls, Eren's got a hot bod, Erwin's a sweetheart, F/F, F/M, Friendly Armin, Good Parent Grisha, Harsh pranks, Homophobia, Humiliation, Jock Eren Yeager, Levi isn't weak, Levi plays piano, Levi's short af, Levi's smart, M/M, Mikasa Ackerman & Levi Are Siblings, Mikasa and Armin hate Eren for what he's done to Levi, Mikasa's a good person, Possessive Eren Yeager, Protective Mikasa Ackerman, Seme Eren Yeager, So many tags, Top Eren Yeager, Uke Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), Virgin Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin), and a big ego, but his ass is damn fine, ereri, only when it comes to Eren, protective Armin
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-02-13
Updated: 2017-09-10
Packaged: 2018-05-20 05:39:41
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 12
Words: 25,974
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5993551
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Malum_Discordiae/pseuds/Malum_Discordiae
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Levi Ackerman, a senior in Sina High School, is constantly being harassed by a certain jock with two different colored eyes. Levi isn't exactly a weak willed person, so why can't he fight back?</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Take My Strength

**Author's Note:**

> New story!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's an ass and Levi just puts up with it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't kill me.

I don't know how much a person can endure until they're pushed to the brink of insanity. How many times 'loser, worthless, embarrassment' was spat at them until they finally excepted it. How long does it take for that realization to sink in? Well, for some it comes to them at the drop of a hat. While others have a harder time excepting the place they hold in this world. 

Over the years I've come to understand the cruelty of this world. The game we're all forced to participate in, even when unwilling to. I'd say the fate that we face can be described by a mere game of chess. Kings at the top, Queens follow next while everyone pretty much just exists to do their bidding. Pawns being the lowest and most trivial piece, a sign of infantry and weakness. Only there to be sacrificed at a later time. Solely there for the success of the higher ups, the noble pieces. 'Why would anyone except those term? Aren't we all equal?' Questions that may come to one's mind. As children we are all fooled in to believe these meaningless philosophies. We're brainwashed into believing that you can be anything you want. That we all start off on an even playing field. That one day you're going to matter. I've learned the hard way to not put faith in those ideas. While it is true that you can aspire to anything actually making it to that point is a whole other story. No matter how much a Pawn would like to believe that one day it can become a King it'll still remain in it's basic shape and status, bound by a set of rules on which direction it can take. I never knew if I was a Pawn. But when I'm being dragged along, barely having the strength to stand, only to be pushed down again, it sure feel as if I am. It's people like us, the Pawns of this world, that are hit hard with the realization of how cruel this world really is.

As I'm walking down the halls mindlessly, something draws my attention. Those multicolor eyes can be spot from a mile away on a dim winter's night. The same eyes that have been tormenting me since freshman year. Eren Jaeger, the 'King' of Sina High School. I would contemplate how someone so beautiful could possess such a revolting personality. His coffee brown hair, his perfectly sun kissed skin, his Adonis like body structure, he would be anyone's prize to have. If only his mouth was stitched shut. People made way as him and his 'crew' passed by, which consisted of the entire varsity football team. My heart rate started to increase as soon as I realized his eyes had targeted me.

"Hey Jean look who it is, sup Fagerman?" That deep voice would have made me melt, if I didn't contain so much venom in it. I refused to respond to his comment. "What's your problem, you just gonna ignore me?" Before I could even get a grasp on what was happening, I was shoved up against the lockers with an excessive amount of force. I gasped due to the impact and was left winded. "Not being shown respect from a lowlife piece of garbage like you really pisses me off!" I received a blow to the face followed by one to the stomach. Blood escaped from my mouth as my head dropped. I was forced to watch as droplets of pure crimson lightly painted the ground beneath me. A fistfull of my raven locks were grabbed and was viciously yanked up. I was once again making contact with one Caribbean blue eye and another Amber one. His Heterochromia is so angelic but those eyes harbour pure hatred. His lips were now dangerously close to my ear. "Now, when I take the time to talk to you, you answer me. Got it?!" His hot breath and murderous tone sent shivers down my spine. I nodded in agreement. "Good" He once again threw me against the metal and proceeded to walk further down the hall, his team following him like ducklings. They snickered as they passed by me, along with the remaining teens in the hall. It's not as if I was embarrassed or humiliated. These sort of occurrences were a daily routine, so I've gotten used to it. But it still bothers me that out of all this people in this school, why me? I never did anything to him. We were even friends as children. Eren, Armin, my sister Mikasa and I were inseparable in Elementary and Middle School. But once we hit High School something changed. His ego and temper became intolerable and it ended with him just abandoning us. Unfortunately he started associating himself with Jean, Reiner and Berthold shortly after. Eren then joined the football team and made captain, becoming the head of the school and my tormentor for almost four years. 

The morning bell woke me from my trance. My twin sister was standing in front of me. "Levi are you alright?" I remained silent. "I saw what happened. I don't know what the hell is the matter with him. Why is he such a jerk? And more importantly, why won't you fight back? You're not exactly weak, but yet you continue to let him push you around." She was right, I'm not a scrawny weakling that isn't able to take care of himself. I constantly mouth off to others and I'm not afraid to voice my opinion. But when it comes to Eren, it's just different. No matter what he says or does, I just can't get myself to fight back. Deep down I know the answer why, but I refuse to come to terms with it. "Lee, are you even listening to me?"

"Uh yeah, I'm sorry Mika. I know you're right, but can we change the subject? Are you going to Mike's party?" 

"I can't stand when you refuse to acknowledge the long term effects this is having on you. You're absolutely miserable, you never smile anymore, and you have a stick so far up your ass I'm surprised that you can even sit. I just want brother back, not this emotionless corpse in front of me." She paused for a moment as if she were waiting for me to say something meaningful back, but that moment never came. "Just get to class Levi, before you're late again." She left while muttering something under her breath, it was inaudible to me.

Her words stung like reopening a closed wound, but they were true. It was all true. I am miserable. I am emotionless. I am a corpse just wondering around, covering myself and hoping no one notices my rotting flesh. But it's who I am know and no matter how much I would love to blame this on 'him', I know I've done this to myself. But it's far too late now. I can't turn back time and start fighting back in the beginning. I can't go back and stop him from ever hanging out with his 'crew'. I can't go back and relive the good years of my life when we were friends. I can't ever stop him from leaving in the first place.

'Why did you leave us, Eren?  
Why did you leave me?'


	2. Take My Dignity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren still being a dick.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A whole month to update, seriously? I need to get my act together.

Why did I even agree to go to this stupid party? To waste time? No. To have fun? No. To see him? Why would I even want to be near him? The man that torments me every chance that he gets. I can't even stand to look at him anymore. I can't look into his eyes, those beautiful yet hateful eyes. So why am I going? 

"Levi! Hurry up, Armin's almost here!"

"I'll be down whenever I'm finished, quit being so annoying. And stop fucking yelling!" I didn't mean that, Mikasa knows it. Right? I know I can be harsh but it's a defense mechanism, my defense mechanism. I don't mean half the things I say. But yet they still come out, they always come out. Maybe that's the reason why Eren left.

I glanced at the clock and saw it was 6:57, the party starts at 7. I better get my ass downstairs before Mikasa kills me. As I'm heading down I saw a familiar blonde figure sitting in the living room. His face lit up when he saw me. "Levi, I haven't seen you in a long time. We never hang out anymore, how have you been?" So polite, so innocent, so pure, I will never understand why he's involved with me. He's always been that way, even as a child. "Levi, are you alright?"

"Huh?"

"You just looked as if your mind was elsewhere." He's right, nothing gets past Armin, my mind was elsewhere. It was in the past, when I was happy, when I was alive.

"Yeah, I'm fine. Let's just go, Mika you're driving." I turned towards my sister and our eyes meet. She looks so sad, I can't stand that. She knows what I was daydreaming about all too well. Please don't pity me sister. I quickly pulled my attention away and focused on getting to the car. The drive was painfully long and the dead silence certainly wasn't helping. We finally pulled up to Mike's house. It was huge and completely lit up. The streets were vibrating from how loud the music was. Each of the surrounding houses windows were filled with irritated faces, eyes directed towards the source of the noise.

"Okay, everyone out of the car." Mikasa was so enthusiastic about being here, I wasn't going to take that away from her. I just have to stay away from any fights. I just have to stay away from Eren. Sounds easy enough, I think.

As we walked up to the door I started to feel anxious. I try to shake the feeling when I push the door open. People tend to leave their houses unlocked for these types of parties. We stepped inside just and it was just overwhelming. It's so loud, it's really bright and there are too many fucking people. I absolutely hate it here, it's the complete opposite of my comfort zone. I could just fake a headache and go home. No, that would be fair for Mika or Armin. I'll just pretend like I'm having I good time.

"Hey Mikasa, Armin, get over here." I recognized the person calling them, Krista. She such a sweet person, reminds me of a more feminine Armin. She was waving them over to their group of friends. They both looked back at me, almost like they didn't want to leave me by myself. 

"Just go and have fun. I'll be fine on my own." 

"Are you sure Levi? We can stay with you."

"Yes Armin, I'm perfectly capable of handling myself. Now go be with you friends and leave me alone." Damn, that was brutal.

"Oh, well have fun Levi." Armin smiled and walked away with Mikasa. Still smiles even after all the shit I say, he doesn't deserve my bullshit.

I spent major of the party wondering around trying to find a quiet place so I relax. That failed when every room I opened contained an obnoxious couple having sex in it. It's disgusting how little respect the have not to taint someone else's house with their bodily fluids. But I guess that's to be expected at a high school party. After spending almost two hours of looking I just gave up and headed into the kitchen for something to drink. 

"Levi!" That voice, dammit. "I know you hear me Faggerman, get over here!" I see Eren and his group of friends sitting around the bar area. His right arm is around some girl named Mina and his left is around Rico. Eren is known to sleep around a lot. I'm surprised he hasn't caught every STI out there.

"Yes Eren" I try to keep my responses short. Maybe it'll make this whole thing end faster.

"I'm shocked to see that crawled out of the pits of hell and came to Mike's party. Color me impressed that a loser like you wouldn't be intimidated to hang around here. Come to think of it when I was a foolish child and I was your 'friend' you would never go out of your comfort zone. That was always one of the things I couldn't stand about you. So why did you come here, huh? Your wittle sister have to drag you ass over here? Did you kick, scream, and cry till you eventually gave up and agreed? So, what was it Levi?" You just never know when to stop do you Eren?

"I... uh-"

"I... uh. And I thought you were supposed to be smart. You can't even give me a straight answer." Eren continued to push on and his Horsefaced friend had to join in of course. 

"He can't give you a straight answer because he's a fag, remember? He probably loves taking it up the ass."

"No Jean, I happen to know that he's a total virgin. Levi you're like seventeen, do we need to get you a prostitute to pop your cherry. Or does that thing in your nightstand do the job just fine?" Everyone around us broke out into laughter. "Or are you one of those people that believes sex is a special thing that should only happen between people that love eachother? What a joke, sex is pleasure, nothing more. So loosen up Faggerman. I sure one of my buddies here would love to take you for a ride. What do you think about him Reiner?"

"I'd do him" The blonde answered without a second thought.

"See Levi, there is someone that would fuck you."

"Shut up Eren" His eyes narrowed at me. If looks could kill I would be a dead man. He got up from his seat, leaving the two girls behind.

"What did you just say to me?" One hard shove at my shoulder was all it took to have me on the ground. "Hold him down." Jean and Reiner held my arms down as struggled to get free. Eren and the rest of his crew gathered around me. Each one of them had a food item in their hands. I know where this was going. 

Time went by at an agonizing slow pace. When it was over it felt like hours passed, but it had most likely been a few minutes. The gorilla and horse finally released my arms and stood up so they could really admire their work. My clothes were completely ruined. I felt like I was buried in food. As I lifted myself off the ground items that were temporarily stuck to my body hit the ground. Everyone's eyes were on me and they were laughing. They were all fucking laughing at me except for a few. Mikasa and Armin's eyes were filled with pity and rage. Pity, the thing I hate the absolute most I'm this world.

I turned my attention to Eren once more. "What's wrong Levi? Are you going to cry in front of everyone here? Don't you think you've embarrassed?" I've had enough of this, why am I even still here?

I shoved my way through the crowd of people and ran out the house. I'm just done right now.

'Why do you keep doing this to me, Eren?  
What have I ever done to you?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really need a beta reader for this story. If anyone is interested please let me know.


	3. Take My Fight

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Things get bad real fast.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It killed me to write this.

That party just made my reputation crumble. I've gotten nothing but crap from everyone that has passed me by in the halls. Classic case of monkey see monkey do. Every since they saw my weak display that night they somehow drilled in their heads the impression I'm simply someone that can be pushed around. That there are not consequences to it. I really don't have the energy or motivation to deal with that right now. 

I sat at my stool in front of my Grand Piano, contemplating whether or not I should leave for school today. My fingers delicately maneuvered around the keys. Each note hit washed away a piece of validity, bringing me closer to fantasy. I loved entering the state of the unconscious mind. Leaving all worries and inhabitants behind. Just basking in the beauty of the Symphony being created by myself. Each sound working together in perfect harmony.

"Levi hun" I was awoken from my trance by something even more angelic than my own playing, my mother's voice. "As much as I absolutely adore hearing my little musical prodigy of a son play the instrument he's loved since he was three, you still have to go to school. Mikasa is waiting outside in the car for you." 

"I'll head out there right now." I kept my head down, refusing to look at her. I didn't want her to see the dreaded look on my face while I was on my way to school.

"Levi, are you alright? You've seemed a bit down lately. Did you and Eren have a fight?" Oh yeah, you could say that. After all these years I never had the heart to tell her that I lost my best friend. I couldn't even think about telling to her that he's been ruining my life since Freshman year. 

She knows that something is wrong. She's known it for the longest time, how could she not? Her happy, bubbly son has been reduced to an emotionless hard ass that never smiles. I tried to chuck it off as the stress of High School, it wasn't a complete lie then. I know that my mother never bought it but after a while she just excepted that I wasn't going to give her the real reason. "I'm fine mom, just stress about my classes."

"Mmh ok, off to school then." She didn't believe me, I can see it in her eyes. I grabbed my backpack and headed for the door. "Levi, wait!" 

"Yes" I stayed facing the door.

"I love you."

"Yeah" I walked out and went toward Mikasa's car. 'I love you.' Three words that I have trouble saying to anyone, even my own mother. The moment I step foot into my sister car she could sense my distress. I swear she's like a fucking wolf. 

"What's wrong?" She started to pull out of the driveway and continued on the route to school.

"Can I just have one minute before you start interrogating me?" Of course she wouldn't comply.

"You were playing the piano just now." Yeah, what about it?

"And your point is?" 

"I called your name a few times but you couldn't hear me." 

"I don't see what your getting at."

"You only get like that with your music when you want to escape your thoughts. You're thinking about things Levi. Bad things and I'm getting worried." Why does she always have to overanalyze everything.

"Can you stop micromanaging me all the time? It's getting really annoying, Mikasa."

"You're not in a good mind set right now. With everything that's been happening I'm scared that you'll end your-"

"Your scared that'll I'll end my what? Don't even think about finishing that sentence."

"I'm just being a sister that's worried about her brother."

"No, your being a pest that doesn't know how to mind her own business."  
I immediately regretted what I said the moment it came out.

"Levi" She looked absolutely heartbroken.

"Mikasa, I didn't mean-" I was cut of by her abruptly pulling the car over to the side of the road.

"Get out"

"Excuse me?"

"I said to get out of my car. You can walk the rest of the way to school." I stared at her for a moment. I was shocked but I can't really say that I was surprised. I've been a jerk to her for so long I was wondering when she would finally snap.

"Okay" The moment I stepped out from the car she drove off, not even sparing a second glance at me. 

Well this is just great. Dare I ask the forbidden questions that seems to only bring more dread and despair? Can things get any worse? 

The sky darkened, clouds covering the entire surface, leaving no silver lining in sight. Rain, seriously? Why did I have to open my mouth?

X

I barely made it to school on time, and now I'm drenched. I will never understand how the weather could change from bright and sunny to straight up piss raining at the drop of a hat. I shoved my way through the entrance doors and all eyes were on me.

"Check it out, the school's loser decided to show up!" 

"Why is he even here?"

"No one wants him at this school."

"He's just a waste of space."

Each insult cut further and further, leaving my heart covered in lacerations. I don't even know a single one of these people, so why do their words cause so much damage. It shouldn't hurt this much. Is this what it feels like to have everyone turn against you?

"Hey Levi, why don't you just stay home and rot?"

"Shut up you miserable piece of shit." I fired back at the unknown male.

"Woah, it talks huh? Too bad no one wants to hear your voice. You're entire existence is one big mistake."

"Oh, I'm the mistake? Your birth certificate was a apology letter from the condom factor."

"Why are you even fighting back? You didn't put up a fight when it was Eren. You're no man so why don't you stop trying to pass off as one?"

"You're right, I'll never be half the man that your mother is." This is the only way I could fight, how pathetic.

X

Day after day this went on. It went on till the point that I had enough, I finally snapped. I lost everything, my sister, my reputation, my fight, my sanity, I lost Eren. All of it slipped through the slots of my fingers.

I came to a completely empty home. My mother and father were currently at work. Mikasa went over to her girlfriend's house as soon as classes ended. I dragged myself up to my room, locking the door behind me as I thought about the unthinkable.

I guess Mikasa was right. She was right to worry. Right about being in the wrong mindset. Right about it coming to this point. Right about what I'm going to do in my own very room.

I'm done

I'm done with everything.

I've given up, you win.

Is this what you wanted, Eren? Congrats on winning your little game. I'm must say that I'm impressed, you finally broke me. I'm glad that you can be happy now. Happy with what you've done to me.

'I got what I deserved.' Is that what you would say?

Huh Eren?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Imma go to bed now.


	4. Take My Sanity

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi does bad things.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one killed me even more to write.

'You're done, give up.'

'Just end it, end it now.'

'Get it over with, do it!'

'Hurry up before someone comes home!'

These intrusive thoughts won't leave my head. The longer they stay the more anxiety builds up. Each time I attempt to push them out they come back, more forceful. 'Stop, please make it stop.'

'What's wrong with you?'

'Are you scared to die? Scared to leave this world?'

'Death feels so good. Sweet, pure, blissful death.'

'Don't you want to be happy again?' Don't you want to feel alive?

'You know what to do then, to make this all end.' 

I wanted it to end, but not like this. 'Is this the only way? The only way to feel joy once more?'

I searched my room, looking for the one thing that has always brought me comfort. Every second to pass pushed me closer to the edge. 'Where the hell is it?!' Frantically, I started shoving materials off my desk, leaving a scattered mess on the floor.

A reflection of light drew my eye to a certain area. The matalic object drew a ray of sun towards it, creating the illusion of God sending light upon it. My savior in the form of something so sharp. Something made to cause destruction and harm, a razor.

Grabbing ahold of the blade, sliding up my right sleeve almost came as second nature to the previous action. I gently traced my fingers across the white marks. The marks that once bled the same crimson that I'm about to bear witness to once more. Sliding the razor against the preexisting cuts felt indescribable.

I haven't done this in so long that I almost forgot the pleasure I gained from it. Each laceration bringing a shot of adrenaline with it. It makes me feel... alive.

How ironic is this scene being played out now? Someone causing self destruction to bring a sense of liveliness, only to end their life a few moments later.

I paced around my room, contemplating my next move. So many ways to do this, what should I go with. Pills, hanging, gun, hitting an artery, which is the best way? I guess I'll have time to think about that while I'm writing my final words.

Walking towards the desk, I pulled out a sheet of paper and a pen. I didn't even know where to begin. Should I write about what was happening at school? About Eren? Should it be long and explanatory or short and simple? These are my last written words, they should be meaningful. But I've never been the type to follow stereotypes.

After careful consideration my words were chosen. My hand left that white sheet stained with ink. I stared at the letter to see if my diction would suffice.

Dear Loved ones,

Please don't blame yourselves. I guess this is goodbye then.

Sincerely,   
Levi Ackerman 

A droplet of water hit the page, just barley missing my name. I touched my face only to feel streams of water going down it. 'It's raining inside huh? That's just strange now.' I looked at my clock that read 5pm. I think it's about time now and I've decide how I want to go now.

Grabbing a bottle antidepressants pills and swallowing the entire prescription had to be one of the most painful things I've ever done. My throat felt like it was set ablaze. Falling out of my chair and hitting the ground only worsened the discomfort. 

As darkness soon clouded my vision a glimmer of relief came forth. Each shortness of breath brought me closer to joy. It may sound crazy, but I've never felt so alive when this close to death.

All these year of taking those damn pills and the never did a damn thing for me. The never helped me in the slightest.

Maybe now... they can finally work.

They can bring me... happiness.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My heart is broken.


	5. Take My Past

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi takes a trip down memory lane.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for the April fools trick that I played on you guys, but it was really funny. Hopefully this chapter will make up for it. Memories tend to be choppy and strung together when dreaming, even if they didn't all happen on the same day. Well at least for me that's how it is, I tried to make this chapter resembled this. That why there's no transitions.

As I slipped further into the welcoming darkness, memories started to flood my mind. Memories that I would give anything up just to relive.

X

"Levi... Levi!" A sweet starry eyed boy was dashing towards me. That boy was my best friend, Eren. 

"Why do you always have to be so loud?" He jutted out his bottom lip to the point where his face resembled a small puppy. "Aw come on, don't take it so personal." My hand reached out and ruffled his hair. "Now why don't you tell me what you were so excited about." Eren's faced immediately brightened once again. This kid is so simple minded.

"I just found out that in middle school the teachers don't walk you to lunch."

"Okay, and?"

"And we get to be cool big kids Levi!" He always so excited about the smallest of things.

"Eren listen, it's almost the end of fifth grade. We have like two weeks left until we leave Elementary School. Then we're not going to be at the top of the food chain anymore." My news didn't seem to bother him that much.

"I don't care about that Levi."

"Well in middle school there's no more recess."

"What?"

"Yeah, and I don't think we're going to be in the same classes anymore." As much as that thought pains me, I had to except it. I'll be put into advanced classes and Eren won't.

"Why do you got to be so smart Levi? You can pretend to be dumb so we can be in the same classes together." I was shocked that he would even suggest that.

"Or you could study more and get into my classes." I fired back at him. 

"But I don't want to!"

"And that's how I feel about your option." We stood there staring at eachother, not knowing what to say. "I just don't want to lose you Levi, you're my best friend. I hear those stories about people losing their friends when they're not in the same class." His started to tear up.

"Oh brat, you not going to lose me. We'll always be best friends no matter what. Promise that even when we rarely see each other and make new friends that we'll never push the other away. That we'll never replace the other. We'll never forget one another." Our pinky fingers interlocked, sealing our unwritten contract.

"I promise"

"And I promise too. Now let's play what little time we have of recess left."

"Okay!" We ran toward the play ground. As soon as our shoes made contact with sand all worries seemed to fade away. No more thoughts about the future, instead we focused on the present.

Eren and I kept our promise, and we did it well. It was true that we didn't end up in a single class together. But we didn't let that get in the way. We had lunch together everyday. Eren came over to my house on the weekends and I went to his on the weekdays. Everything was just perfect.

"Levi, can you help me with this?" I looked over at Eren's homework. The math was honestly Child's Play compared to what I've been doing.

"What number are you stuck on?"

"Number eight, I keep getting the wrong answer every time I do it." I take a look at his work and figured out his problem. No wonder why he keeps getting the wrong answer. He made a simple but idiotic mistake.

"Well first of all Eren, the square root of thirty-six is six, not four. Change that and then try again."

"All right... the answer is twenty-five." I've never seen him so excited about math before. But I was honestly proud of him at this moment.

"Nice job, now hurry up and finish your mom will let us out of your room."

After Eren finished up the last of his work his mom let us outside. We called up my sister Mikasa and our good friend Armin to hang out. They were given the direction to head to the park and we would meet them over there. 

The moment we were all at the park Eren suggested that we play a special game that he came up with. It sounded a lot like hide and seek but I decided to keep my mouth shut and not point that out. "Okay guys, so we split up into two teams of two. One team gets five minutes to hide in the woods behind us. After time is up the second team searches for the first. The trick is there is no splitting up, you have to stay glued to your partner. Does everyone understand the rules?" We all nodded in response.

My raven haired sister brought up a good question. "So uh..." Her eyes fell upon Eren. I knew that she liked him and I think he likes her, so I should be happy. Right? "Who are the two teams?" Mikasa asks will playing with a lock of her hair. Why is she even asking? It's obviously going to be her and Eren as a pair and Armin and I as the other. I'm pretty sure Eren just made up this game as an excuse to get some alone time with Mikasa so he can confess his love for her. I mean, isn't that what guys do when they like someone?

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. Me and Levi will be a team and Armin and Mikasa will be the other." What? Why didn't he pick her? More importantly, why did he pick me over Mikasa. I know we're best friends and I'm well aware of the bros before hoes saying. But come on, who actually follows that? Apparently Eren does. "Okay we'll hide first, time starts now!" Eren grabbed ahold of my arm and started leading me into the woods. As I looked back at the others I saw that Mikasa looked so disappointed. I felt horribly guilty.

From the moment that the leaves from the surrounding trees hit our skin Eren lead us down a path that he's seemed to be very comfortable with. It was almost as if he had the entire layout of this forest memorized, just acting as my navigator since I was completely out of my elements. It felt like we had been running a marathon, my legs were about to give out at any moment. That's when I decided to speak up. "Hey Eren, can you slow down!" I yelled of the sound of rustling leaves and twigs snapping. His death grip around my wrist didn't lighten up.

"We can't slow down, we won't get there in time!" He didn't even look back, we both just continued to run. What is he even talking about? Make what in time? Where are we even going? Isn't five minutes more than enough time to hide in these endless woods? "We're here Levi!" The trees seemed to open up in the direction that we were heading, the running came to a stop. Before I knew it I was standing in the middle of the most beautiful scenery.

The trees were so lush and full that they enclosed at the very top, creating a ceiling of green. Leaves pushed against eachother letting almost no light in. The few thread sized rays that managed to get through were directed towards a pond in the dead center. The almost absence of light gave the illusion of moonlit night, which brought out the water's absolute beauty. This place is breathtaking, but why did Eren bring me here? A voice brought me back to reality.

"Hey Levi, what do you think of this place?" He asked while scratching the back of his neck and flashing me a huge grin.

"Well uh... it's really nice but where exactly are we?"

"This is a little place I go to clear my head. You know, when things get too stressful."

"Oh, I just have one more question."

"Shoot"

"It's just... why me? I mean why did you bring me here?"

"Why? Because you're my best friend silly." He seemed to be confused by my question.

"That's not what I meant. Why did you bring me here instead of Mikasa? Why didn't you pick her to be your partner in this game? Why didn't you take your chance to spend some time with her?" The seem to confuse him even more than he already been, if that's possible.

"I don't understand what you're getting at Levi?"

"It's obvious that you two like eachother, so why didn't you take this opportunity to tell her how you felt?" 

"Ugh, why does everyone think that I like her?!" Why is he getting so defensive about this. 

"Well my sister obviously likes you, everyone in school can see that. So I guess we all just assumed-" He cut me off.

"That I liked her too! This is that kind of crap that starts rumors, untrue ones! I don't have a crush on Mikasa. Sure I like her and all but that's only as a friend, nothing further than that. So you, your sister and the rest of the school get this into your thick skulls. Mikasa and I will never be a thing! It's never gonna happen so stop bothering me about it okay!" I've never seen him so mad before. Once he had a moment to calm down he had a look of regret on his face. "Levi I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. It just really annoying to have people constantly question you about it."

"It's okay Eren, I completely understand. I shouldn't have assumed anything in the first place. But you might want to let her down gently because you are kind of leading her on."

"Yeah you're right, now let's get out of here. They'll never be able to find this place and I don't want to stay in here forever."

"Let's go then." We left and searched for the others. Once we found them Eren asked for a private moment with Mikasa. Please be gentle with her feelings, Eren. Things didn't go as well as I hoped. She ended up running home crying. I suggested that we'd all go to our homes so I could calm Mikasa down a bit. They agreed and went their separate ways.

The moment I got home my parents eyes land ended on me. Let the interrogation begin. My mom was the first to speak up. "Levi hun, what happened outside."

"What do you mean?" I tried to pretend as if I had no idea what she was talking about.

"Your sister came home crying her eyes out." This time my father spoke. "Now I don't know what happened between the two of you, but I'd like to believe that it wasn't you that made her this upset."

"No dad,it was my doing. But I'll go talk to her."

"That's my son, taking care of his sister." My father praised as I went up the stairs to Mikasa's room. Upon opening the door I was faced with a sight that shattered my heart. I had always cared so much for my sister, so to see her face was shoved into a pillow while small, inaudible whimpers left her mouth was devastating.

"Mikasa" I called from her doorframe. She acknowledged me with a small grunt. Her face never once left the pillow. "Are you okay?"

"Mmmh" 

"What was that? I couldn't hear you with your face in the pillow like that." She didn't take my hint to lift her head up. Instead she just repeated the same incomprehensible noise. I was getting pretty irritated at this point. "Mikasa, I can't understand you! Now say some actual words." She tore her face away from the plush filled fabric.

"No I'm not okay Levi! Eren just broke my heart. He told me that he would never feel the same way that I feel about him. I honestly thought he liked me and he was to shy to say it. Those were what the rumors were saying at least. And when he wanted to speak with me alone today, I had some hope that he would finally confess. But no, that jerk just had to tell me that he had special feeling for someone else. Feelings that wouldn't go away no matter how much he wanted them to. My life is practically of now." 

Eren liked someone? Why didn't he tell me then? I wonder who it is? No, I can't worry about. Not with my sister is hurting like this. Even if she is being a little overdramatic. I walked over and sat on her bed. I kept my voice at a low and calm tone.

"Mikasa your life isn't over, it's barely begun. You're only thirteen years old, in the seventh grade, and you're acting like you've lost the most important thing in your life. I know you really like Eren and that I really hurts to know that he doesn't feel the same way, but this pain will pass in time. Plus you'll meet someone else, he's not the only guy out there. I mean look at you, your beautiful, anyone one could see that. And any guy would be lucky to be with you. Don't let this one heartbreak get you down." A small smile found its way onto her face.

"Thanks Levi, that really did help a lot. But if you don't mind I would like to be alone for a while." 

"All right then, I'll leave you alone for a bit." I stood up and walked out of the room. Proud of my work I retired into my room.

Things eventually did get better. It took a while but there was no more tension between Eren and Mikasa. We could finally all hang out together without the awkwardness. Mikasa even found herself a boyfriend during eighth grade year, his name was Jean. He looked like a horse, my sister could do so much better than him. Anyone could tell that we couldn't stand one another, but that wasn't really a problem because the relationship didn't last very long. Thank God for that one, well really, thank me. I was the reason for their breakup. I didn't really do anything wrong though, Jean was the one that was in the wrong. He was constantly cheating on Mikasa and one day I got video proof of him making out with some girl in the boys bathroom. I showed it to her and she immediately called it off with him. Jean has hated me ever since. I really didn't care though, it's not like it was going to affect me in the future anyway.

Eren and I decided to meet up at his secret spot on the last day of our summer vacation to talk about what we were going to do about high school. This time I was worried about losing Eren and not the other way around. Sure we're still not going to be in the same classes but we found a way to work around that. My main concern was people taking Eren away from me. All throughout middle school people were trying to get his attention. Eren was attractive, funny, charming, talented in the athletic field, I knew he had a high chance of be one of the top dogs in high school. I, on the other hand, didn't have that chance. 

I sat on a large rock by the pond while I awaited for Eren's arrival. I've grown to really love this place. It really was a stress reliever as Eren said. We both used this it to clear our heads when times got a little bit too rough. I soon saw a familiar face come into sight. Eren's gotten so tall over the years it's ridiculous, and he's only fifteen. I used to be taller than him as kids, now he's a four inches taller than me. "Hey stranger" I greeted him.

"Hey Levi, what's up?"

"I thought we'd talk about something that's been bothering me."

"Oh really" His eyes sparked with interest. "And what has been bothering you?"

"Well I'm a bit worried about high school."

"Levi, you sound like me when I was upset about going to middle school." He chuckled and did his signature neck scratch.

"Well I'm about to sound even more like you right now. I'm actually kind of worried that I might loss you."

"Why would you be worried about that, Levi?"

"Eren look at you and look at me. We're in two completely different classes of people. You belong with the popular crew and I'll always be below that."

"Levi, that is true."

"But it is true Eren!" His eyes widened in shock, while my eyes began to water. "I really don't want to lose you Eren. The very thought of it terrifies me. Promise me that you won't leave me."

"I promise Levi, now please stop crying. I hate to see you so upset like this." I immediately jumped on Eren and hugged. 

"Thank you so much Eren, you just mean so much to me." He seemed frozen at the moment because he didn't hug back, but I didn't care. He promised to stay by me and never leave. I only wish that was one promise that he actually kept.

Ever since that day Eren made any excuse not to spend time with me. It was always something, a family thing, studying, football, everything took Eren's time and attention. Everything except for me. His most common excuse that he used was football. Tryouts were coming up and he seemed pretty stressed so I let it slide. But once he made the team things just got much worse. He completely ignored my text, calls, and hellos at school. The worst part of it all is that he started to hang out with Jean, the person I hated the most. That seemed to have an influence on his attitude, a bad one. 

It started with Eren just laughing at me whenever Jean would crack a joke. Then he slowly started to tease me as well. The teasing got physical and there was a couple of hits here and there. It turned to full on harassment ever day that I went to school. But I could never fight him back. I just couldn't bring myself to hurt my "friend".

The physical pain that I went through was nothing compared to the emotional one that was going on in my head. It wasn't the constant beatings that I received that turned my into the emotionless bastard that I am today. It wasn't what forced me to cut. It wasn't what made me turn to music as my only escape. It wasn't what made me swallow those damn pills. It was the pain of losing my best friend. The pain that was caused by abandonment and betrayal, that's what pushed me over the edge.

That's the reason why I'm the way that I am. 

You did this to me, Eren.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Was this good? Please let me know how you felt about it.


	6. Take My Haven

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi has some stuff going on.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so sorry that this took so long. My AP classes have been killing me and I've barely had enough time to sleep. But I still apologize for my crap and the kinda short chapter.

Light was coming into sight. It's so warm, so comforting. Is this what it feels like to cross over? Have I finally succeeded in something in my life, or should I say death? 

It was hard to make out the scenery in the beginning, but the blur was ephemeral. As the image became more vivid there were silhouettes that seemed to hover over me. I recognized the figures to be my parents, sister, and Armin. They had looks of relief plastered on their faces. I glanced around the room and noticed I was laying rest in a hospital.

"Why?" The word left my mouth in a hushed tone. My mother leaned in closer towards me.

"Levi hun, what was that?" 

"Why am I here?" I made sure that my question was audible this time.

"Why are you here? Why did you try to end your life is a better question, don't you think? If it weren't for your sister coming home and finding you before it was too late, you would have been gone. Do you not realize how much that would hurt us?" I couldn't focus on what my mom was saying after pointing out something very important. My anger was directed towards a specific person in that room. The person who made me fail what I was trying to accomplish, Mikasa.

"You fucking bitch." My cold, dead eyes hers. If only looks could kill.

"Levi, don't speak to your sister like that." My father chimed in.

"No, she deserves it." I looked at Mikasa once more. "She deserves every single bit of it. Why did you have to "save" me? Why did you have to come home early? Why couldn't you have fucked your girlfriend and stayed at her house longer? Why did you take the one thing that I really wanted away from me? Why did you take my safe haven? Why, tell my why Mikasa?!" She stayed surprising calm and turned to speak with the remaining guest in the room.

"Mom, dad, Armin would you give us a minute alone please?" Everyone stared at eachother for a minute but they eventually left. Once the door shut everything went to hell. "What's the matter with you, Levi?! Why would you do something like this? Was it to get back at me for ignoring you these past few days?" 

"Not everything is about you, Mikasa." I retorted 

"And everything's not about you either, but you sure try to make it that way. But suicide, really? Was that the only way? If I knew that you really were going to go this far I would have baker acted you like I was thinking about." I couldn't believe what just came out of her mouth.

"You were going to baker act me! How dare you! That kind of shit gets put on your permanent record."

"Some things need to be put on record."

"That heartless, and that's coming from me. What's your problem with me frequently?" 

"I don't like what you're turning into." What does that even mean. 

"Like it or not this is me. So if you don't like the way I'm acting then you simply just don't like me."

"You're right, I don't. I love and care about you but the truth is I can stand you most of the time. You constantly lash out at people that don't deserve your crap. You push your friends and family away when all we want is to help you. But what I can't stand even more is the person you've become is the person that turned you into this. This empty shell that can't even see the point in living anymore. He has taken everything from you. You happiness, your freedom, your judgment, your reason for living, and now he has almost taken your life. This has gone way too far. I should've put an end to this from the moment that it started, but now it gonna end right now. I'll make sure of that one thing." She turned away from me and headed towards the door.

"Mikasa wait!" It was too late, she had already left. My parents entered the room once more. "Where's Mikasa?"

"She said something about heading over to the school." My father answered.

"School?"

"Yes school, it going on right now. You've been out for more than 24 hours. Mikasa and Armin insisted that they would miss today and make sure that you were all right." I tried to sit up but a sharp pain in my lower abdomen caused me to return to my previous position. "Aw honey, don't try to move so soon." My mother's tried to warn me.

"Why am I in so much pain?" I really don't know what's going on with my body.

"Well you did just come out of surgery a not some time ago."

"Surgery?"

"Yes, the pill did such significant damage that you had to undergo an operation. So you won't be going to school for a while. Not that I was going to let you go anyway. Not until we talk about why you did this?" She stated 

"Oh" was the only thing I could get myself to say.

"Are things going on at school? Are classes to hard on you? Is someone bothering you? I've noticed that you there has been a drastic change in your personality these past gourmet years. I ignorantly chucked it off as you just going through those rebellious teenage years. But I realize that something bigger is going on. And you've made it fairly clear now that this can't go on ignored any longer. So please just tell us what has happened to you." I stayed quiet which cause my mother to speak for a second time. "Levi, we are you parents. We care about you so much and we would just die if you were to do anything like this again. Just let us help you."

"I can't" It came out like a whimper.

"Fine, you can talk to us about this. That's why you're starting therapy tomorrow." My father said

"What?!"

"That's right, the Doctor will be making a personal visit tomorrow in this room. He's one of the best psychiatrist in the state."

"But therapy is for people that are mentally unstable!"

"First of all Levi, it's not. You can be perfectly fine and go to therapy. And even if your assumption about therapy was true I would think that you would fall in that category. I mean just look where we are right now. " I took a look around and thought back on all the events that brought me to this very moment. "Exactly, you're starting tomorrow case closed." 

Before I could argue even more a nurse walked into the room. "Excuse me, but the doctor would like me to run an ultrasound to assess the damage to Levi's intestines. I'm going to have to roll him into a different but it shouldn't take long to bring him back here."

"That's fine" my mother quickly dismissed. The nurse started to wheel my bed out of the room and to the testing room.

'Look at where you are right now. Why the hell is my life so messed up? Why does everything have to be taken from me?'

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The next update won't take nearly as long as this one.


	7. Take My Pride

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This is in Eren's point of view. Eren's reasoning is revealed and stuff happens.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so sorry that this took so damn long to write. Thank you for sticking around with my BS updating schedule. I really have no excuses to give, just apologies.
> 
> Also you may have noticed that I've changed my name. You can still call me Winter if you'd like; I answer to both.

It feels really off today, and I'm not sure what it is. I haven't been able to shake this gut-wrenching instinct that something's wrong. Trying to ignore it wasn't really working either. 

A fist gently knocked against my arm, directing my attention towards the impact. Jean was staring at me with a grin. "Yo Eren, you haven't said much of anything since lunch started. What's up with you?" 

I looked around my lunch table and saw that all of their eyes were on me. I guess I was so lost in thought that I didn't realize I wasn't giving anyone attention. "It's nothing man, just a little distracted." His grin suddenly became wider, making him look even more horse-faced, if that was even possible.

"I see what's going on here." He hit my back forcefully; knocking a bit of air from my lungs. "You're pissed that you didn't get your daily beatdown on Levi, aren't you?" 

"Yeah Jean, I can't fool you." I realized that this sickening sensation forming in the pit of my stomach was due to Levi and his absence. But it wasn't because I could ruff him up a bit, no; it was something else. I was feeling genuine concern for the guy. He looked absolutely miserable the other day when he left school. Head held down almost as if he was accepting a defeatist attitude. Mikasa and Armin aren't at school either, this only adds to my suspicion. Something is definitely wrong, but why do I care so much anyway? He's not my friend, not anymore.

The furious sound of wood colliding with the concrete walls caused everyone's heads to turn in the same direction. There was Mikasa standing in the doorway. Her murderous glare was directed towards me. I'd be lying to myself if I didn't admit to being the slightest bit terrified. As she took long strides to my table my breath was held in; body clenched, preparing for any attack that was to take place. When Mikasa was standing before me time seemed to stand still, that was until she spoke. "Jaeger, get up." The venom in her voice left me paralyzed, causing me to remain frozen in my position. The amount of fear I had at this very moment was almost ridiculous.

Jean; being the asshole, thought it would be the perfect time to mess with her. "Why do you want our boy Jaeger anyway? Trying to get him someplace alone to get a little tongue action?" The she-devil's head turned painfully slow towards the grinning horse. This didn't seem to phase him, though I knew better. It's a rookie mistake that I learned fairly quickly during my friendship with this girl. Unless you want to open the gates of hell, you do not under any circumstance sass Mikasa when she's clearly pissed. It's a golden rule that anyone present in her life must obey. Honestly speaking, it amazes me how Levi was able to put up with it for so long.

Before anyone could register what exactly was happening, Jean's head was snapped back. His hands instantly shot up to cup his nose. Droplets of crimson left his nostrils and escaped from the openings of the hand that was desperately trying to contain the mess. Mikasa had decked Jean in the face faster than anyone could have seen it coming. Luckily for her, the were currently no administrators in the cafeteria to witness her lash out. She turned to me once again. "Get up and follow me, now." I thought that it was best to comply with her command, I didn't want to end up like Jean. 

Once we left the room and entered the seemingly empty hallway, she shoved me into what looked like a storage room. "Care to explain why I'm in here?" I'm curious as to why this is happening all of a sudden, we haven't spoken in years; only exchanged glazes towards one another.

"You're a real asshole, you know that?" Yeah Mikasa, tell me something I haven't known for a while now. "An asshole with a complete disregard for what your actions cause." I had a pretty good idea of what this was about; something to do with Levi of course. Why else would we be here?

"Look Mikasa, if this is about your brother then I really don't care. He's not my problem anymore so I'm not going to waste my time with this."  What I said seemed to trigger a whole new level of rage to be released from her.

"My brother has a name you know, it's Levi! Oh wait, you do since the two of you were best friends until you decided to go through your arogant, heartless, musclehead, jock phase and ditch us; Mr. I'm so much better than all of us. And that's your problem Eren Jaeger, the thought of hanging out with us three losers tainted your reputation so badly that you had to erase it from history. It damaged your sinful pride to the core, you had to make it seem like our friendship was something that could never happen; not even in a fairytale. So you tormented Levi throughout his entire High School experience. He never got to feel the joy that most people our age felt when they entire a new level of freedom held behind the entrance door. No; coming to school was complete hell for him all because of you. All to pull off your facade of hating him and making everyone believe so; until that fantasy slowly and painfully became reality. I should've done this sooner but I was hoping that Levi would have the courage to finally stand up to you, because both you and I know that he's nowhere near as weak as he shows himself to be. But sadly that isn't going to happen so we have to step in. I'm telling you right now that it's over. Your time of getting your sick kids out of messing with Levi is up. Armin's at your house right now; explaining to your beloved and clueless parents about how exactly you've been spending your free time in school." That really set me off.

"You got my parents involved, why?!" I was outraged from what was happening right now.

"Because all of this has gone on for too long and I'm fed up with it. Maybe if I had stopped you earlier things wouldn't have gone too far." Too far? Oh no, things were just beginning. If I get into heat with my parents for this, it will be nothing compared to what I'm going to do to him after this.

"Where's Levi anyway? Didn't want to come to school because he was too busy crying in his pillow?" I could see that she was getting angry air from that comment, but I didn't care; I was pissed off as well.

"Eren shut up before you say something you'll regret." I didn't stop, I continued to push on further.

"Did he finally get the hint that no one wanted a loser like him at school?!" 

"Take my warning Jaeger and stop before you make me do something. You have no idea what is going on right now." I still didn't heed her warning.

"No Mikasa, I want to know. Did your brother decide to take the day off so he could slit his wrists?" That set her off the edge; immediately felt remorse for everything that I had just said. I could see the hatred carried in those eyes; and I'm pretty sure she could see the terror that was held in mine. The room was dead silent until the sound of skin crashing with skin broke the barrier. I grabbed the right side of my face; as I can still feel the imprint of red heat that her hand left behind. I looked to see the tears that streamed down her face.

"He's in the hospital! He's in the hospital you insensitive mother fucker!" What she said truly shook me. Why would he be in the hospital? He's always seemed healthy; it must be something else.

"Wait, Levi's in the hospital? What happened to him?" My question only upset her further.

"Oh, so now you care about Levi? After all these years and everything you've done, now you seem to care. Isn't that great? Eren Jaeger cares about my brother. Well frankly, I don't give a damn. It's too late to act as if you have a shred of sympathy at this point." I deserve to hear that, but I was genuinely worried about him.

"Mikasa please tell me, why is he in the hospital?" I hope it wasn't what I who's currently fearing the most. "Mikasa, I'm begging you to answer me." Her eyes met mine once more but this time they were different, sorrow and despair had replaced malice.

"He tried to end it, Eren. Levi tried to take his life and it's all because of you. You are the reason why and you're the person to blame. And don't you even attempt to remove some of the weight off of you because other made fun of him as well. It was the fact that his former best friend; who left him without any explanation, was doing it. That was the reason he was pushed so far. You were everything to him and you took everything from him. You are just the prime example of how unfair life really is. You and your posse get to roam free without a care in the world; only thinking about how to satisfy yourself. Why should you get to be happy when you all victimized him to the point where he choose death over living? So thank you Eren, thank you so much for showing me just how cruel this world really is." I couldn't say anything at this point except for four simple words.

"Mikasa, I'm so sorry." I know this wouldn't do much of anything, let alone repair everything that I've broken.

"Why are you sorry? You got what you wanted, right? This was all part of your plan?" Her words cut deep; deeper than any blade ever could. This isn't what I wanted; not what I planned. I just wanted to sever our bond not almost end his life. I wanted to make Levi hate me so I could in return hate him. But it couldn't come to that. I didn't despised him; nor did I ever regret our friendship. Deep down I cherished it no matter how much I denied it. The truth is even if Levi cursed every breath I took I could never bring myself to dismiss that affection I felt for him. That underlying inextinguishable flame of passion that I tried to rid myself and brought us to this very moment right now.  I've been a complete idiot.

"No... this isn't what I wanted to happen. Why would I want Levi to end his life?" Disbelief was written all over her face; though I couldn't really blame her.

"It's a fair question considering what you've done for years now." She's right, it was a fair question.

"What hospital is he at?" I need to see him soon, otherwise this guilt will consume me from the inside out.

"Like hell I'd tell you; of all people, where he is." If looks could kill; the glare she was currently giving off would have my head on a stick in seconds. 

"Mikasa please-"

"'Mikasa please what?' Let's get one thing straight. I don't owe you would damn thing. And if you even remotely think I would tell you where he is, then you're harshly mistaken. You're always used to everything going your way. Everyone giving in to your demands at the drop of a hat. We'll let me tell you something Jaeger, it's not gonna happen this time. You're going to experience true hell-fire when you realize that every painful step that Levi takes toward recovery is all because of you; someone he trusted. And knowing that you can't do a damn thing to him while he struggles will hopefully cause you at least half the misery he's experienced. And when you're completely eaten by guilt; wondering around the school like a corpse with no purpose, I'll take  pleasure in your suffering just as you did to him." She was uncomfortably close; breaking the boundaries of personal. "I'm cautioning you Eren, stay away from Levi; I mean it. If you don't; I'll break you." After delivering her promise build thread she exited the room, leaving me alone to fully comprehend the events that just played out. Everything Mikasa said replayed in my head like a broken record.

Levi tried to take his own life because of me. Me; one of his children friends. I'm not much of a friend now am I? I know that I had my reasons for pushing him away, but I'm gone too way far. I never meant to hurt you, at least that wasn't my intention in the beginning of all of this. I was blinded by rage to see how much pain I was causing him. And that vision of red  lead me into forgetting the reason why I purposely drifted away from him. Why I harassed him every chance I got for 4 years straight. Why I tried to make him hate me with every fiber of his being. Instead of simply leaving him; I wanted payback for what he had done to me as a child; and even now at this very moment. To ache from what he was too oblivious to realize what he had done to me. But now that revenge is coming back to haunt me. 

I can't say now that the feeling ever vanished. It was only lying dormant, but now that it's awake yet again; there's no replacing it this time. Now the only thought coursing through my mind is fixing what I have wronged.

Since Mikasa won't tell me where Levi is; I'll just have to find another way to get the info I wanted. Reaching into my back pocket; I pulled out my phone, scrolling for a contact that I haven't touched in ages. Dialing number; I waited to hear disdain in the voice on the other line. A single ring had passed before my call was answered, I was greeted with a mellifluous voice. "Hello Eren dear, I haven't heard from you in quite some time now. Why haven't you come over to visit these past years?" I'm guessing Levi never told his parents about what happened between us.

"Hello Mrs. Ackerman, I've just been too busy to come over lately." I lied through my teeth. "I heard about Levi and I was wondering if you could tell me what hospital you're at so I could come visit him." I felt bad for manipulating a sweet woman like her; but I had what had to be done.

"He's at Mercy Hospital, it's only a few miles from your school. We're currently out getting him some food. Mikasa and Armin are god knows where; so he could use some company." I doubt Levi would consider me as company.

"Thank you so much Mrs. Ackerman, goodbye." I ran out the doors of the school; not caring that it was against the rules to leave. Hopping into my car; I had one destination and nothing was going to stray me from my path.  
______________________

Upon arriving at the hospital, I felt nervousness settling in the pit of my stomach. That sensation didn't stop me though; I busted through that entrance and ran directly to the front desk. "Levi Ackerman, what room?!" At this point I didn't care how rude I sounded.

The receptionist took her sweet time staring at the computer screen until she had an answer. "Room 104; but only family members are allowed in there." I took off for the room; not giving the lady a second glance. Rooms passed as adrenaline started to build up. My heart beat was visible from my chest by the time I reached room 104. Levi was behind that door, and I had to face him. When I opened the door I saw a sight that broke my heart. Levi was pale as snow and hooked up to mutiple machines. My sudden commotion made our eyes meet.

"Eren" he whispered

"Levi, I-"

"What the hell are you doing here!" He demeanor quickly shifted.

"Levi, please let me explain."

"Explain what? What made you think it was ok to come here?! Did you come here to take another jab at me? Come here to finish the job that I couldn't?" Finish the job? I would never even think of killing him.

"Levi, shut up and let me talk! I came to apologize and to see if you were all right." That only made the situation worse.

"Apologize? Are you fucking kidding me?! You came to apologize and see if I was all rights. You're the one that did this to me, Eren! The one that forced me to go this far. I tried to kill myself because of you. I ended up in the hospital because of you. And now I'm being forced to go to therapy because of you! You have brought me nothing but pain and misfortune and if I had the chance to turn back time; I would have never been you friend in the first place. I don't even care if you still would've ended up treating me the same as you do now. At least I wouldn't have to deal the the pain of abandonment!"

"Please just here me out." I was desperate at this point.

"No Eren, I really don't want to hear any of the crap you have to say; nor your bullshit apologies. We both know that you really don't mean a single word of it, you're only hear to clear your conscience of guilt. I've done absolutely nothing to you and yet you caused me pain." Yes you have Levi. "If you want to remotely make up for what you've done to me, then do us both a  favor and get out of my sight!" I was about to say something else when a flash of black entered through the door; Mikasa was back and I was screwed.

"How did you find out what hospital he was staying at? And didn't I warn you to stay away from Levi?!" She sure was pissed.

"Don't worry Mika, he was just leaving. Right, Eren?" There was no point in arguing any further.

"Right" I left the room; never feeling so defeated before in my life. Exiting the hospital I could only think of what Levi had said. You've done nothing to me Levi, that it where you are mistaken. For you have done the worst thing imaginable, and I realized it on that very day. 

You made me fall in love with you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> One question answered only brings more unanswered along with it.


	8. Take My Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's pov of how love happen.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This was rushed and I apologize for it.

Eren’s pov  
After my encounter with Levi I decide against going back to school to finish out the day. The trouble awaiting tomorrow for cutting class short was the least of my priorities. My ride back home was completely silent, not due to the absence of people in the car, but the absence of activity in my head. It’s surprising that I made it back in one piece despite the lack of attention paid to the road. It was only as I pulled into my driveway that I was ambushed with a rush of thoughts. My heart reached a panic, beating rapidly as I remember that my parents had been informed about my relationship with Levi, thanks Armin. I contemplated turning around and driving off. Delaying their scolding would only do just that, delay the problem, I would have to face them eventually. It’d be better to get it over with now rather than psyching myself out by awaiting their wrath. Dread set in the pit of my stomach as I exited to the car approached the doorstep. Never before have I had so much adrenaline coursing through my veins than at this very moment. 

It was too late to turn back at this point, they most likely heard me pull up into the driveway. I unlocked the door and twisted the knob; painstakingly slow I stepped through the threshold. I could feel the tension that was in the air. If I could explain the atmosphere in one word it would be “off”. I quickly shut the door and tried to make my escape up to my room, but almost on cue; my mother’s voice cut through the dead air. “Eren Jaeger! Come here right now.” The authority sent shivers throughout my entire body. On command, my legs began to carry me into the kitchen; where the voice had derived from.

I was immediately met with two faces that were unrecognizable. The smiles that I had grown accustomed to seeing on my parents faces had disappeared. The look a disappointment was clearly something that I wasn't used to. "Sit" My father's tone was quite stern, I was in for in now. "Armin payed us a visit, any idea why?"

I knew the reasoning, I just didn't want to admit to it. "I have no idea." I was only digging my own grave.

"Let's try this again, shall we? Armin payed us a well deserved visit. We know you know why, I can see the guilt on your face. I just would like to see if you're man enough to admit what you did. So son... do you know why?" He didn't want to play any games.

"Y-yeah" was all I could manage to say.

"Eren Jaeger, I cannot put into words how disappointed and disgusted I am with your behavior. And as your mother that hurts me so much to say. I never expected this from you and to Levi of all people. What happened between you two. You guys were so close." She looked so hurt.

"Some people just drift apart." Especially when you force that drift. My father spoke right after my comment.

"Well 'some people [might] drift apart' as you said. But that is no excuse for what you have done, young man." 

"Your father is absolutely right. Bullying? Really Eren?! Do you not even realize what you've put Levi through?" Oh trust me, I realized. "He's in the hospital because of what you did. He thought death was the only way out because of you. And I know that one shouldn't be blamed for another's actions, but that rule doesn't apply in this situation. He was your best friend for years. You two were inseparable, and now look at you. Look at where we're at right now. Just what were you trying to accomplish?" There were tears in my mother's eyes.

"I don't know." Lies, I did know. I did have a reason, just one that I wouldn't be proud admitting out loud.

This seemed to really set my dad off. "So you just tortured that poor boy for no reason in particular. You just thought it was fun. Fun for your little group to gang up on a person, not even a person, but an old friend. I knew something changed when you went into football and started hanging out with that boy Jean. You had him over at the house constantly but I never saw Levi, Mikasa or Armin over. I should've figured sooner that something had happened between you guys. I just never expected that it would be because of you. I'm really at a lost for words." It was silent for a while until I decided to break it.

"So what happens now?" I just wanted this conversation to end. 

"What happens now is that you go up to your room while your mother and I decide on a proper punishment for you. But you most likely will be taken out of football for a long time."

"What, that isn't fair!"

"Don't even dare talk to us about fair Eren! What's not fair is what Levi has to go through right now. So go to your room before you make me lose my temper any further." I did what my father said but not without expressing my anger by slamming my foot on each step leading to my room.

The moment I entered the room I shut the door and collapsed onto the bed, trying to think back to a joyful time. When I was young and without a worry in the world. When I was genuinely happy in my life. Levi was always the one thing that could make me happy no matter what I was feeling. He was truly a beautiful person with a soul to match. I could see that even as a child. My eyes felt heavy and darkness came over as I slipped into golden memories.

___________  
"Oh, I just have one more question." Levi looked nervous about something.

"Shoot"

"It's just... why me? I mean why did you bring me here?" Why did I bring him here? Does he not like it? I thought it was really pretty and I wanted my best friend to share it with me.

"Why? Because you're my best friend silly." His questioned face still didn't go away.

"That's not what I meant. Why did you bring me here instead of Mikasa? Why didn't you pick her to be your partner in this game? Why didn't you take your chance to spend some time with her?" Mikasa? Why would I bring Mikasa? Yeah she's my friend, but Levi and I are much closer.

"I don't understand what you're getting at Levi?"

"It's obvious that you two like each other, so why didn't you take this opportunity to tell her how you felt?" Again with this stuff?!

"Ugh, why does everyone think that I like her?!" I'm sick of everybody saying I like Mikasa, I don't. My parents say it, my teachers say it, and now Levi. It's so annoying to hear it all the time.

"Well my sister obviously likes you, everyone in school can see that. So I guess we all just assumed-" I cut him off.

"That I liked her too! This is that kind of crap that starts rumors, untrue ones! I don't have a crush on Mikasa. Sure I like her and all but that's only as a friend, nothing further than that. So you, your sister and the rest of the school get this into your thick skulls. Mikasa and I will never be a thing! It's never gonna happen so stop bothering me about it okay!" I was so mad that I didn't realize how harsh I sounded. I felt bad for blowing up like that. "Levi I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell. It just really annoying to have people constantly question you about it."

"It's okay Eren, I completely understand. I shouldn't have assumed anything in the first place. But you might want to let her down gently because you are kind of leading her on."

"Yeah you're right, now let's get out of here. They'll never be able to find this place and I don't want to stay in here forever."

"Let's go then."

After we got out a met with the others I decided to tell Mikasa how I really felt. It didn't go as well as I hoped.

"What do you mean you don't like me?!" I hated when people cried.

"Mikasa, I do like you. I just don't like you in that way."

"You don't feel anything? Not that warm funny feeling in your stomach? Your heart doesn't start beating incredibly fast? You don't want to spend as much time with me as you can?" I did have those feelings, just not with her. Not with any girl actually, is that not normal. 

"No I'm sorry Mikasa, I don't." She snapped.

"No Eren, I'm sorry. Sorry that I wasted my time ever thinking that you'd like me back." Mikasa ran off with tears staining her face while Levi went after her.

Things were awkward between the group for a few weeks but it went back to normal eventually. One thing that stuck with me was what Mikasa said. The feeling that she described; I only ever feel like that when I was with Levi. I didn't know exactly what it meant but it was strange in a way. I thought it was just because we were such close friends. But that day proved everything I had once thought to be wrong. That one day changed everything. I remember it so clearly now.

It was the last day of summer vacation until high school and Levi had asked to meet up at out secret spot in the woods. I saw him sitting on a rock next to the pond. He must have heard me with his inhuman hearing abilities, because he turned around without me saying anything.

Hey stranger" was how greeted me.

"Hey Levi, what's up?"

"I thought we'd talk about something that's been bothering me." Not many things bothered Levi so I was of course concerned.

"Oh really" My tone hinted interesting the topic. "And what has been bothering you?"

"Well I'm a bit worried about high school." 

"Levi, you sound like me when I was upset about going to middle school." I chuckled and scratched my neck.

"Well I'm about to sound even more like you right now. I'm actually kind of worried that I might lose you." Worried that he might lose me? What's going on with him?

"Why would you be worried about that, Levi?" 

"Eren look at you and look at me. We're in two completely different classes of people. You belong with the popular crew and I'll always be below that." What would make him think so lowly of himself. Levi and I belong together forever. Wait, what am I saying?

"Levi, that isn't true."

"But it is true Eren!" My eyes widened when I saw his eyes began to water. "I really don't want to lose you Eren. I've never seen Levi like this before. So open. So vulnerable. So...cute? "The very thought of it terrifies me. Promise me that you won't leave me."

"I promise Levi, now please stop crying. I hate to see you so upset like this." He jumped and hugged me. 

"Thank you so much Eren, you just mean so much to me." I was frozen, I couldn't hug back. My emotions went haywire and it felt like my brain was fried. I couldn't think, I couldn't speak. The only thing I could do was focus on the heat I was feeling at the moment. The heat wasn't something from a normal hug, it was so much more than that. The feeling was indescribable in a sense but I knew exactly what I was feeling. It was the same sensation that I've had for years now, but this time it was amplified to the point where it was almost unbearable. But the warmth was comforting in a way. As if it was the calm before the storm. I wanted to be welcomed into it but I was scared as to what would come after. Shame, humiliation, tainted reputation, whatever would come from it wouldn't be good. Even though I wasn't sure of what was to come I was sure of one thing.

I was in love with my best friend, and I had to figure out a way to end it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren's an asshole for choosing his reputation over love.


	9. Take My Sorrow

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Levi goes through some stuff and we meet a new character.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so so sorry for the wait. School has been really hard for me, as well as some life stuff and I just lost the motivation to write anything. But I'm back now and I'm graduating in 2 weeks, so I'll be able to update frequently after that. I will not every give up on this fic so please don't ever be scared of that, and once again I'm sorry.

After being exposed to the same unfamiliar presence for two hours every day for an entire week, that presence starts becoming more and more comforting to be around. Well in most people’s cases, not so much mine. The irritation and distance I’m currently feeling from this man sitting across from me have remained the same since our first meeting. I would argue to say that the disdain has amplified since then. 

His every action caused my lip to curl. His iconic smile used to display his friendliness was perceived as arrogance through my visual. The way he would lean slightly forward to convey that he was opening up, so I, in turn, should do the following, only to let out a defeatist sigh and lean back to his original position when realizing that I wasn’t giving him the answers he so desperately craved. The routine of adjusting his glasses, followed by a sharp intake of air, and shifting in his cushions chair every damn time he takes notes on whatever the hell he deems is important. But what irks me the most is the way he starts off every single appointment with the classic “so Levi, how are you feeling today” bullshit. It leaves a revolting taste in my mouth every time I have to respond. I can't tell if his habits naturally enrage me, or if this anger is fueled by the contentment I have for my parents forcing me to go through this crap.

The person which I’m speaking so ill of goes by the name of Zackly, Darius Zackly. I should have the slightest bit of pity for anyone to be cursed with the name so ridiculous sounding. Then again, I am being forced through this therapy session, so I think I reserve the right to be hostile. I've been sitting in this disgustingly beige colored room for five minutes and it's already felt like an eternity.

“Levi?” His voice pulled me from my deep thought. “You never answered me, I asked you how are you feeling today?” again with this repetitive question.

“I feel exactly the same as yesterday, and every time you have asked me that question” I spat.

“Which is?” Zackly continued further.

“Like shit, I feel like shit today Mr. Zackly!” He scribbled down some quick notes on his pad, then turned to my direction.

“Okay Levi, I feel like it's time to go a little deeper into our sessions. You can refuse to answer anything that makes you uncomfortable or that you don't wish to go into detail about. Are you alright with that?” Of course, I wasn't okay with it, but maybe if I go along with it, he'll end the session quicker than usual.

“Yeah” I responded.

“How would you say your childhood was?” Oh great, already getting into that.

“It was fine, I guess.” He looked a bit displeased with my answer.

"Levi, you're going to have to give me more than that. Describe how you felt back then compared to how you feel now." I threw my head back in frustration and took a deep breath. “Levi please”.

“Alright, I guess I was... happy as opposed to now."

“Happy? Interesting, now why was that? Did you have a large group of friends? Or perhaps one specific friend, someone precious to you?” So this is what he meant by going a little deeper into it. Usually, we only really spoke about the present, stuff that was going on at the current moment. But now we're delving into the past, a Pandora's Box that I'd prefer to keep shut.

I averted his gaze and lied through my teeth. “Nope, never had anyone 'precious' to me in my life.” I motioned air quotes as the word precious left my mouth. “And I'm not much of a people's person, as you can clearly tell. So no large group of friends either.” At least that part was true, but for some reason, he didn't seem interested in the last part of what I had said. No, his curiosity was only in my first statement.

Zackly put down his pen and paper and lean forward towards me once again. But it was different this time, his facial expression held nothing but seriousness, not a glimpse of sympathy peeked through. “Now Levi, I've been in this line of practice far too long to not spot a person's tale within the first few meetings". His tone was deadly serious. "I know exactly when you are lying to me, and I don't appreciate you sabotaging our process with untruthful answers. So either answer correctly or don't answer at all. Am I clear?"

"Yes" was the only word that was able to leave my mouth. Honestly, I was too shocked to say anything else.

“Thank you, Levi.” his face immediately lost the harsh expression. It honestly amazes me how quickly someone's mood can change from A to Z, then back to A again in a matter of seconds. It kind of reminded me of Eren when he was a kid. He was always so quick tempered and impulsive but at the same time caring and lively. I always found it sort of endearing in a way. But why am I even thinking about this asshole now? It's his fault that I'm going through this hell. I just need to push him entirely out of my thought. Though the constant reminder of him through these sessions isn't really helping. I'm personally fed up with this, and just want to get this over with. I turn my full attention to Zackly. "I see you're finally out of that daydream of yours. Are you ready to continue?” I really hated this man, but I agreed.

“I'll ask again, do you have anyone precious to you?”

“I guess I consider my family precious”. He wrote once more and went on.

“How about someone who's not your family?” Well, I guess there's Armin. He's a friend, but I wouldn't consider him precious. The only other person I could think of is... No, forget about him. I get sick just thinking about how he is now.

“Not anymore" I answered. Again he wrote in his book.

"Hm, not relevant in your life at the moment? Or are they just not important to you anymore?" He pried on.

"Both", I refuse to let Eren play a role in my existence it's any longer. Whether it be as a friend or a terror, no matter how much a side of me wants the exact opposite.

“Would you like to go into detail of your relationship with this person."

"No," I said slightly defensive. He scribbled one last thing then stood up.

"Well Levi, I believe this is your stopping point for today. The session went a lot quicker since you are more open this time around. You've improved a lot since your first visit, you are so closed off back then. Granted you still are, but it's only been a week and we have much time to get you to your final stage. I want to thank you for your time and participation, you're free to go.”

A small “thank you” left my mouth as I rushed to get out of the building. I ran out of the entrance and didn't stop. I felt trapped, caged in and I needed to be free. I didn't pay attention to where I was going, instead, I was focused on nothing except what I was feeling at the current moment. While running at took a quick glance at the clear blue sky and the animals that scored it, almost as if they ruled the azure.

As cliche as this sounds, I had always envied birds. Their ability to soar wherever they pleased. Unclipped wings carrying them to whatever area their hearts desired. Those beings were truly free. Yet here I am, shackled to the rock that is earth. My only caricature of freedom was through this strenuous exercise that made my lungs want to collapse. I've always hated running, yet at this moment, I couldn't get enough, it was euphoric in a sense.

When I finally decided to stop and regain my breath through a series of pants, I took a look at my surroundings. It all looked so familiar, then it hit me. The evergreen plants, the perfect exposure of light peaking through and reflecting onto the glossy pond. This was Eren and I’s secret hideout, still as beautiful as the first day I saw it. But why am I here? How did I get here? My legs must have subconsciously carried me to this area. I mean it was the place we would go to whenever we were stressed and wanted isolation from the world. But now this place brings back new feelings and memories, undesirable ones. The memories and dread of a beautiful friendship turned sour by the corruption that is reality. I needed to get out of here, this couldn't be good for my mental state right now. As I turned away to leave, a voice froze me in my tracks.

“It's beautiful isn't it?” I turned towards the direction of the voice and saw a man approaching me. Since I'm 5 foot 3 I was quite familiar being in the presence of people that were taller than me, but this man was a fucking giant. He was at least 6 foot, it was almost intimidating, almost. “I found this spot over a year ago. I've been using it as a place to clear my head ever since. How did you manage to find it?" He stopped directly in front of me, only a foot's width separating us. At this point, his monstrous height wasn't the focus of my attention, no, it was his eyes. They were piercing blue and incredibly mesmerizing. To be honest, his entire face wasn't that bad to look at. Chiseled chin, sharp cheekbones, bushy as hell eyebrows but filled with golden blonde hair, which match the nicely kept locks on his head. To be honest, he's a package that I wouldn't mind opening, even if he did kind of remind me of Captain America. “Hello?” He snapped his fingers in front of my face, chuckling when he saw that it had slightly startled me. “You looked lost in thought for a while. You're a dreamer, aren't you?” I nodded to his question, I don't know what it is about him the renders my voice useless. “You don't talk much, huh? That's alright, people like you tend to be that way. Only speak when it's absolutely necessary because they prefer to let their actions speak for themselves. Like to be off alone by themselves, lost in thought for hours at a time. Surround themselves with people that they truly trust since they don't value being popular. Did I get that right?”

“Yeah” I finally spoke up. How the hell did this guy already know so much about me without knowing anything at the same time?

“It looks like I've still got it then.” He flashes a huge grin.

“Still have what?” I was extremely confused at this point, and a bit weirded out.

“Oh yes, I can see why you'd be confused since I offered no explanation. You see, I've always been a very analytical person. Being that, I'm able to read people's personalities fairly well, even within a few moments of meeting them. I could tell your personality by your posture and the look on your face. But what instantly gave it away was the lack of response to my questions and how easily you can slip in and out of awareness.” I was getting pretty annoyed at the moment, and I guess it showed on my face because he tried to reassure me afterward. “I didn't mean it as an insult. In fact, I find your personality type to be the most captivating. You never know what lies beneath their hard exterior and it's quite exciting when you find out.”

“I see” I narrow my eyes. “Well, I should get going.” I started to walk away.

“Wait, I didn't catch your name. I'm Erwin Smith.”

I continued walking and didn't turn around when I said: “It probably be best if you didn't know my name.” It'd be best if no one associated with the likes of me. I'd just bring this perfectly respectable man down with me.

“I know who you are, Levi.” This caught my attention and forced me to stop moving, I gave Erwin my full attention now. “We go to the same school, and I've seen you around. I was also there at Mike's party when, you know happen.” Oh great, looks like I can't escape from that shameful event. Is he just here to get his shits and giggles, like everyone else in that hell hole of a school. “What they did to you was awful.”

“Thanks for pointing out the obvious there, Eyebrows.” I cut him off.

“I went looking for you after, but you were gone by the time I walked out of the house.” He actually looked for me? Someone I didn't even know cared about me. But why? “I've always been interested in you Levi, in more ways than one. Since the very first moment, I saw you in the halls. You looked so broken, so drained of love and hope, but I knew there was more to you. I could tell by the look in your eyes that you once knew happiness, I just want to be the one to bring that light back. Bring back the flame and passion that they once held. I'll show you what real happiness and love is like if you'll allow me that is.” What the hell is going on? I just got out of a thirty-minute therapy session, ran a good two miles into a place that I'd rather not be in right now, met a handsome stranger, and now I'm getting a love confession. Is my life even a real thing, because this seems like something that would be on one of those shitty Spanish soap operas. “Levi?” I looked back to Erwin, his face desperately waiting for my answer.

“Erwin, I barely know you and this is a lot right now.” He looked disappointed but not ready to give up.

“Dating is a way for people to get to know each other, Levi. And I know this is a lot and that we might not work out, even then I'd still like to be part of your life as a friend. But I'm just asking for a chance.”

“I-”

“Listen Levi” he cut me off. “You don't have to give me your answer now, in fact, I'd prefer that you think about it. I'll be waiting here tomorrow same spot, same time. If you come back then it's a yes, but if you don't I'll understand your rejection. Just know that I really want to help whether we're in a relationship or not.” That being the last thing he said, I started to head out, not once glancing back at who I was leaving.

This is crazy, I can't date someone I just met, no matter how kind, caring or consider it they may be. Right? But then again this could be a step in improving my life, partners can offer a lot of support. Am I really considering this? Erwin did seem like a genuinely good guy, and he does like me. I have no idea why, but he does.

This could be the beginning of my happiness.  
The ending to my suffering.

Needless to say, as the next day approached, I found myself heading back to the place of old memories. Hopefully as the start of making some new ones.


	10. Take My Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A bit more Eruri and Levi meets more people.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey look, it didn't take me 6+ months to update this time.

After spending three weeks in therapy, and two of those three weeks with Erwin, I can say with all honesty that I was feeling a lot better. I might even have to admit to my parents that sending me there actually turned out to be a good idea. Yet again, the sessions could be doing absolutely nothing, and all the praise should be going to my new established boyfriend. 

The concept of dating a guy was foreign to me. Well, dating, in general, wasn't something that I was familiar with. I had always been aware of my sexuality since I was young, a certain someone made that part of my life very clear to me. Even though I never went through any significant trouble in accepting I was gay, I never had an interest dating anyone. No one ever caught my attention, well no one except Erwin and… Eren. Even though I despised that person with every ounce of my being, I cannot deny the fact that I had a romantic interest in him when I was foolish, "had", being the operative word. Perhaps those lingering feelings were the reason I chose to keep quiet. The reason why I took all of those years of abuse. It was easier to have him in my life and hate him, rather than him not be in my life at all. But that was my old mentality and way of thinking, now I see things for what they are. The not so crystal glass that was obstructing my vision, only offering an illusion of what lies in front of me, it was no longer there. I learned in a short amount of time that the glass must be broken, shattered in order for me to witness the beauty that is behind it. That glass is Eren, that beauty is life, and Erwin, he was the opener of my eyes. 

Due to my accelerated healing process, my parents deemed that it was time for me to return to school. They still know nothing about my problems with school, I doubt that they'd ever let me go back if they did. The news was broken to me on Saturday. It’s been 24 hours since then, and let’s just say that I wasn’t taking the news very well. I get that I missed a shit ton of days, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to handle that environment again. What if I revert back to my old ways, in spite of all of my progress. It’s a good thing that I had someone to fall back on and offer an escape when I was in dire need of one, that person was currently sitting next to me. Erwin thought it’d be nice to go to the park, watching nature as time went by. Normally I would object to something like this, sitting on the grass where bugs and dirt lie, potentially contracting every disease known to man, but it was different. Sitting here made me seem to forget my problems, not create more. That tends to happen a lot when I'm with him, every worry just melted away, as if they were insignificant. 

“Levi” My attention was grasped by a deep and silky voice emitted by the handsome devil adjacent of me. “You're awfully quiet, is there anything troubling you?”

“No, I'm all right.” I said, trying to convince myself more than him. He seemed to have caught onto the apprehension that peeked through my facade, as he didn't look swayed in the slightest. Damn him for being so analytical of every situation surrounding him.

“I know that something is bothering you, Levi. I'm not going to push you to tell me what it is, I've never been the forceful type. Honestly, I believe it's the least efficient way of gaining information.” He pauses for a moment, looking me directly in the eye and taking my hands into his. I'd swear and say that the more I gazed into the elusive blue orbs, the more powered they garnered over me. It was almost hypnotizing. I was brought to reality once again as Erwin continued. “But I will say that I'm here to help. That is one of the main aspects of a relationship, is it not? To offer support to your partner when they are in need of it. I can be an outlet for all your worries Levi if you will allow me to be?” 

He was right, and I'd be lying if I didn't say that it slightly irritated me. I had grown to be distant and closed off of others. The isolation offered slight comfort in the frigid Abyss that consumed me. Yet, I was changing, not a complete metamorphosis from my old form, but more of a gradual one. Almost like the process of a snake shedding it's worn out and unwanted skin, revealing a new armor glistening with the rejuvenation of itself. I more open as opposed to how I used to be, especially with Erwin. But I hadn't yet gotten to the point of voicing every single one of my concerns to him. I mostly used him as a wall, someone to silently lean on as a form of support. Perhaps that needs to change, he is so incredible in this whole relationship ordeal, the least I could do was expand my willingness to show a more vulnerable side of me, a side that was rawer. I would let him be the ‘outlet’ that he so desperately wants to become.

“It's… I'm just… ugh! Why the hell is this so damn hard!?” I knew what I wanted to say, I just couldn't form those ideas into a coherent sentence.

Erwin released my hands and rested one on on the juncture of my left knee and thigh, while mine fell awkwardly into my lap. “It's all right, take your time,” he said sweetly.

I took a deep breath and continued. “I'm nervous about going back to school tomorrow.”  
“Are you nervous for any particular reason, or is it just a general fear?” He pried 

“I just don't feel like hearing the crap and rumors about me that are currently circulating,” I said a bit harsher than I had intended.

“There aren't any rumors going around about you in the school.” He tried to assure me.

“Oh yeah right? Like I'm going to believe that. You don't have to lie to protect me. I know firsthand just how cruel those kids can be.” I countered 

“Levi, I'm telling you the truth. I'll be honest and admit there were a few rumors about you, and I won't go into detail of what exactly they were saying. But that drama died down a while ago. There's nothing to stress about.”

“And what about Eren?” Erwin's smile turned to a frown at the mention of that name. “Did you just forget about him. I don't want him to mess up all the progress that I've made the moment I step foot in that hell hole. I'm scared of falling back into that state.” I looked down at my lap with a defeatist attitude. Before I knew what was happening, I was pulled in a strong and warm embrace.

“Listen to me” he spoke in a soft but stern tone. “I know that bastard and his friends tormented you for so long. Truthfully speaking, I want to murder them for it. I cannot understand your pain, Levi, not in the slightest; though I wish I could. But I will not let any of them or anyone else ever harm you, not while I'm here. Okay?” Silence followed his speech, I couldn't respond verbally. My only indication to him that I understood his message was a quick nod in agreement. He pulled away, again looking me in the eyes. “Good. Now Levi, do you trust me?”

“Uh… yes, I trust you.” It wasn't a lie, I did trust him.

“Alright, then let's go somewhere.” He pulled out his phone, type a quick message and placed it back in his pocket. Erwin stood up and pulled me along with him, grabbing my hand and leading me to a place of unknown.

“Erwin, where are we going?” I asked as I was frantically trying to keep up with his pace.

“Somewhere fun, where you won't have to worry about tomorrow. Besides, there are some people I want you to meet.” Usually, the idea of meeting new people would turn me off so quickly, but with Erwin, I really didn't mind. He was different, so full of life and exciting. This feeling, it was something new, yet so familiar as it brings back the emotions of my childhood. A time where I was happy. Could I experience that happiness once more?

X

It has always surprised me just how hectic moments can become in the blink of an eye, at least when it comes to my life that is. For example, one minute I was relaxing in the park, and the next I'd encounter a four-eyed brunette demon in the middle of a mall arcade that knew nothing about the concept of personal space. The insane wide-eyed woman currently standing in front of me, far too close might I add, went by the name Hanji and apparently she was one of Erwin's close friends. She seemed overly excited to meet me, I can't say the same for myself.

“So you're the Levi I keep hearing about, eh? The little raven that has our Erwin nevermore basking in the ambiance of the single life.” Did she seriously just make a reference to one of Poe’s most prevalent works? Though I do commend her for her taste in literature.

“Uh… yeah” I didn't want to ruin the first impression with one if his friends, so I decided to keep my response brief. Refraining from the hostile speech that could lead to a Faux Pas, completely ruining this social interaction.

“Awww! Erwin, he's so adorable, I just wanna squeeze him till he pops!” She squealed. “As Erwin stated in our introduction, I'm Hanji and I know we're gonna be just the best of friends. I'm actually surprised I've never seen you around the school, I'd remember a face like yours. Ugh, your skin is so flawless I can't stand it! Can I get a sample of it?” Her cheeks soon turned red and her hands were twitching, she looked like a mad woman.

“What?” This Hanji person was starting to really freak me out. 

“Sorry Levi, Hanji is just really into science. A little too much if you ask me.” Erwin spoke up. “And Hanji, calm the hell down. Can't you see that you're scaring him? You know how you can come off strong.”

“How sweet, Brows is protecting his little Raven from the mad scientist. It's a tale as old as time, you golden knight. But for Levi's sake, I'll act as a normal being, or at least try to.” Her smirk carried a glimpse of mischief.

“I appreciate it” he smiled back at her. “Now, where are the others?” The others? Meaning more people were coming. Dear Lord that I have absolutely no faith even exists, please lend me the strength to at least tolerate these people. Almost as if on cue, a group of four people came in. It consisted of a blonde male with his hair tied back, one with short and spiked up hair, and another with hair similar to mine; who was currently holding his tongue out of his mouth, as if he had injured it. Next to him was a very petite redheaded girl, that looked to be scolding the tongue biter, she looked very familiar but I doubt I've ever had a conversation with her. When they finally reached us Erwin spoke again. “Levi this is Eld, Gunther, Oluo and Petra, guys this is Levi, my boyfriend.” He slid his arm around my waist and pulled me closer to him, while I blushed from the action. They all let out an ‘aw’ while Petra just giggled. That's when it hit me, she was one of the girls under Eren's arm at the party. The one that laughed at the insults that he threw toward me. Did she just not remember, or was she just keeping quiet? I decided to find out.

“Hey,” I said looking directly towards her, not caring if I was being rude. “I remember you.” Her facial expression morphed into one of guilt.

“Yeah, from the party.” She said timidly. “I'm so sorry for laughing at you. I don't know what came over me. I knew Eren was an awful person, even before the party. It's just that when I was with him I felt important, like the center of attention, so I just went with how everyone else was acting. I promise I'm really not like that, and I'd really like to get to know you if you will allow me to. Erwin always talks about what a great person you are. Again, I'm so incredibly sorry.”

I guess I can sympathize with the girl. The need to feel important and wanted did make people act in ways that go against their nature. I can't really be mad at her for that. “It's fine, I get why you did it.”

“Thank you so much.” She seemed genuinely grateful that I had forgiven her so quickly. Perhaps she was a good natured person.

“Okay people” Hanji clapped her hands to get everyone's eyes on her. “While this has been an interesting chat, I say we actually start playing now, don't you?” We all nodded in agreement and headed to whatever game booth garnered our attention at the moment. 

As time passed, I found myself having more and more fun. I haven't felt like this in the past four years. Especially since I had just beaten the top score of zombie shooter by a good 2000 points. A large crowd of people gathered around to watch me play, and I really didn't mind it. I was too into the game to even notice at the time. As I put the gun controller down, Hanji immediately jumped at me. “Levi, that was awesome! You must've been a soldier in a past life.” She winked and nudged my arm with her elbow.

“Sure, if you actually believe in that bull.” I shot back

Oluo spoke next. “I don't know about you guys, but I'm starving.” 

“Yeah, let's grab something to eat,” Hanji spoke once more. “You guys get us a table while Levi and I get the food.”

“Wait what-” I was cut off by the she-demon dragging me away from the rest of the group. We ordered food for the entire table and we're currently waiting for it.

“So my shorty-”

“Don't call me that” I sent a murderous gaze her way.

“Okay, my little Espresso.” She smiled 

“Espresso?”

“Yes, you're little and bitter, just like a shot of espresso.” She chuckled then continued. “What do you feel for handsome over there?”

“Pardon?” Why was she asking me about him?

“Erwin adores you, Levi, he's been nonstop talking about you at school for the past two weeks. I'd hate to see him get hurt from someone that doesn't want anything serious and only wants to play with him.” What she said really pissed me off. What kind of person did she take me for anyway?

“I assure you, I'm not just playing with his emotions. I really do like him, despite what you may think.”

“I know darling” she turned to face me and placed her hands on my shoulder. “I just wanted to make sure that you knew that. To make sure that you know it's okay to open up, and it doesn't make you weak. It's perfectly normal to want to love and to want to feel love. Now, I wasn’t being completely honest when I said I never saw you at school. Truth be told, I saw you a few times around school. You always looked so lonesome and miserable, and I knew the reason why I'm pretty sure we all do.” I hung my head down but she grabbed my face and pulled it right back up again. “Sweetheart, you have nothing to be ashamed of, and you certainly didn't deserve any of it. You deserve to be happy, Levi. And whatever insecurities you have that made you so closed off from others, please let us help you get rid of them. We just want to help you, darling.” She wanted to help me. They wanted to help me. This was something different.

Tears started to form in my eyes, but I refused to blink so that they wouldn't fall down my cheek. “Thank you, Hanji.” She nodded as we got our order and head back to the table. Maybe they weren't as bad as I originally had thought.

X

Stepping back into the nightmare that was high school, I fully expected all eyes to be on me. Expected for all the torment that cause my leave of absence to return. Much to my surprise, no one even seemed to pay me any attention. Well, no one except Erwin, his(and now my) friends, Mikasa and Armin. Things were starting to lighten up, though I couldn't shake this feeling. The feeling of a dirty look being thrown my way every time Erwin would so much as touch me. But whenever I turned to see what or who it was, they would vanish, like no one was ever there. Maybe it was really nothing and I was just being paranoid.

It was the last period of the day and I gave Erwin a hug before our departure to different classrooms. But before I made it to history, an unknown figure grabbed a hold of my wrist and pulled me into a storage closet. It quickly shut the door and used its body to barricade it. I was about to start screaming and ask who they were, as it was too dark to make out distinguishable features, except for one. Those green eyes could emit light on the darkest winter's night. Yes, those eyes, who belonged to the man who brought me nothing but misfortune when he drew near.

“Eren,” I said as he flicked the light on to fully reveal himself. Standing in front of me with the light provided to make out his every detail, my eyes went directly to his face to analyze his expression. In a simple term, he was pissed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Eren's back! Did I do good, is Senpai pleased? Sorry it took so long, my fish having sick for the past 2 weeks and all my free time has been going into taking care of them. Especially since we spent $3,000 on this tank, we really can't afford them to die. But I'll try to get the next update out with 2-3 weeks.


	11. Take My Thoughts

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Eren's pov and the start of the ereri.

Three weeks. It's been three weeks since I was removed from football. Three weeks since I'd last seen a glimpse of love in either of my parent's eyes, I was only faced with disappointment. Three weeks since I've had time to really reflect on all the events that have lead to this point. Three weeks, since I've last seen his face. The face that repeatedly made appearances in my dreams, more often than not. It's been three fucking weeks and I've already gone mad, if I was even sane, to begin with.

I loved him. No, I cannot dub my actions "love". Love is affection and protection, not destruction. It is that warm and bright feeling that one is lucky to experience at least once in their lifetime. That deep intimacy and attachment you feel whenever they appear in your line of vision. That sense of security that smothers oneself, as a blanket would on a winter's night, when eye connection is met. Yet, I do feel that way about Levi. Perhaps Levi is love to me, but I am definitely not to Levi. He would experience fear and resentment when I'd show my face around him. Honestly, I cannot fault him for that, I have absolutely no right to. I especially had no right to go against his sister's wishes, or more likely demands, to make an appearance in his hospital room. Only to put him in more pain than he had already been in. But Eren just has to go and fuck things up, as always. Doing whatever I pleased, looking towards my well-being, not caring about others hurt in the process. It had always been that way, from the very beginning.

As a child, Levi was brilliant and vibrant, even with how reserved he was with others. He dazzled with every movement he made, no matter how much he hid or tried to deny it. The Levi that shined through the walls that were piled up, the real Levi was fire. To others, he was a spark, but I saw the true potential of what that spark could become. The flames that would engulf everything in its parameter when the time was right. I was drawn to the inferno, but out of fear of being burned, I tampered with those flames. Yet, things escalated, I went too far. I not only extinguished those flames, I demolished the ember, diminishing the possibility of that fire being ignited once more. I put Levi out because I was too much of a coward to share my real opinion of him. My deep desire that I refused to let show their faces.

I was always an irrational and hot-headed child. Consistently committing unjustifiable actions. As Levi used to say when we were kids, I acted "without logic". Even with all of my flaws, he still accepted me. Levi was the logic and consistency that I required in my life. Maybe that's why we were so close as kids. Don't get me wrong, I was close with Mikasa and Armin as well, but I'd choose to be alone with him rather than be in a group. He just understood me in a way that they didn't, that no one has even till now. Despite the amount of "friends" I have now, none of them held a candle to Levi.

Oh, I fell for him. I fell for him with enough impact to shatter every existing bone in my body. I believe that I had always loved Levi more than a friend, even when I was too young to realize it. It was mistaken as a crush with my adolescent mind. I'd admit that he was beautiful as a child, even pretty than his sister, in my opinion. But the moment when it became evident that my feelings were more than a crush, so much more, I ran. I once again acted like the irrational milksop that I always was. That day before high school had started was the beginning of hell breaking loose.

It started with pushing Levi away. I convinced myself it was because of my reputation. That I didn't want to admit to myself that I was gay. When it was so much deeper than that. I wasn't afraid of loving another man, I was afraid of loving Levi. He was more advanced than I was, so much more than I could hope to be. Everything about him was unique, while I was merely average. My only advantage over him was my popularity and ability to make friends with ease. But other than that I paled in comparison. Truth be told, us being together wouldn't have ruined my reputation, school status set aside, it would've ruined Levi's. His intelligence level, his boldness, his confidence, his judgement, and of course his strength. Levi carried a mental strength, one that I lacked. I was so insignificant when taking into account of all of the aspects that were Levi, and I was envious. Yes, I was envious of Levi, and because of my own insecurities, I tore him down in an attempt to bring him to my level. Subconsciously hoping that maybe then he wouldn't be too good for me anymore. Yet, it was clear that I could never bring Levi down to my level. For every floor he sunk down into, I sunk ten. He would always be unattainable to me. This only angered the beast inside. I lashed out as an animal lashes at its prey. Acting without thought, tearing every ounce of flesh till all that's left is the remnants of a once life filled body. I never had a control on my anger, I let it guide me more times than I'd like to admit. It's always made me go over the edge, things were taken way too far. Levi, I took it too far.

All throughout high school, I tortured Levi, not just physically but mentally as well. The abandonment of your once best friend must have done a number on him. Ending our friendship hurt me, I can't imagine what it did to Levi. But not only was the losing your best friend with absolutely no explanation on why was bad enough, then to be harassed daily by them, must've been worse than hell to him.

While Levi was suffering, I was basking in the satisfaction of feeling almost superior to him in slight moments. I would even go low enough to relieve myself of the sexual frustration a normal teen goes through with any girl I pleased at the time, while Levi was in pain, I felt pleasure. I swear people would call me sadistic at this point. Oh, but if they knew the sweet misery that would go on behind those closed doors, a different song would be sung. Oh Levi, if you knew the number of times a woman would rub her naked body onto me and I'd stay flaccid, only to become fully erect at the thought of that body morphing into yours. The number of times their screams, pants, faces of pleasure were perceived to be coming from you in my mind. The number of times I muttered your name under my breath through grunts and moans of pure ecstasy. The number of times I had come to the realization that the once squirming body under me didn't belong to you. The number of times I felt disheartened when I looked into her lustful eyes and saw that they weren't yours. The disappointment I feel when I come to the conclusion that they will never be yours because I don't deserve that experience with you. I don't deserve you, Levi, I never did.

"Eren, breakfast!" A voice recognized as my mother's jolted me out of my thoughts. Making me realize just how long I had been thinking about the situation. To be honest, there hasn't really been a time that I haven't thought about it in the past three weeks, or rather the past four years. I dragged myself out of bed and down the stairs, not caring that my hair was a rats nest. As I approached the last step my parents, who were sat at the table, turned towards me only to look away without a single word. It's been like this since they heard about my stance with Levi, we barely talk nowadays. I sat at the table and began to eat. The sounds of silverware clashing against the porcelain plates created a very awkward atmosphere. It was interrupted by my father clearing his throat and speaking. "Has Levi returned back to school?" I had to be the one to inform them that Levi wasn't at school when they so strongly suggested, or demanded, that I apologize to him there. The minute they heard Levi had been taken out of school, for the time being, their respect for me diminished to nothing. They loved Levi like a second son, and would constantly pester me on why he wouldn't come over anymore. I guess they got their answer.

"What a shame" he replied and focused once more on his breakfast. The silence consumed the room once again, this time it wasn't broken until the meal was finished.

"Eren" this time my mother spoke. "Hurry up and get ready for school. You know you have to leave earlier now." I had to leave earlier than usual since I was now walking to school. My parents took away my car for two months as part of my punishment. Really I was lucky that I got to keep my cell phone. Needless to say, I got my sorry ass ready and headed to another day of hell.

_________

I arrived at school with ten minutes to get situated before the first bell rung. I made my way over to my locker. Girls flirtatiously said their hello's while pushing out their chests as I passed by, trying to garner a peck of my attention. I walked right past them, not even making eye contact. It wasn't because I wasn't attracted to them, or any girl for that matter, I hadn't really been interacting with anyone these past weeks. Finally reaching my locker, I opened it and started shoving books into it. Preoccupied with the task, I failed to notice someone sneaking up behind me and placing a hand on my shoulder. Honestly speaking, it startled me a bit. Turning around, I was met with a familiar and horse-like face.

"Jaeger! Haven't been seeing much of you lately, especially in football practice. Where you been hiding?" He flashed a big grin. I had been actively trying to avoid Jean, as well as the rest of the team. Purposely not going to the lunch room, or sitting on the other side of the room with the ones I shared class with. Luckily I didn't have classes with Jean or Reiner, so I didn't get questioned by not sitting close to them. Being around them makes me feel sick to my stomach from the way we used to treat Levi. I thought of a lie quickly to answer his question.

"Grades... I'm failing a lot of classes, so I'm kicked out of football till I get them back up. I've been getting tutoring at lunch, that's why I haven't been there." Hopefully, he believed me.

"Ah man, that sucks ass. I mean I knew you were stupid, but I didn't think it was that bad. Get those grades up quickly before the next game, you know you carry the team." He slapped my back. "Hey, Reiner is having a party later tonight, you coming?"

"Can't, parents grounded me" he raised his eyebrow. "Grades and all."

"And you can't sneak out, why?" Shit, think of something fast Eren.

"Um.. T-Tutor... they're coming over to my house later to help me with math." Jean was sending me a look of confusion and concern.

"Ooookay man, you're acting weird but I don't care enough to question you. Looks like I'll be stuck with Reiner and his drunk ass at the party. Maybe I'll get him together with that nerd he's always eye-fucking, Bertolt or some shit like that. Anyway, I better get going. Have fun with your tutor, and make sure to show her a good time." He winked and started walking away, but not without shouting one last thing. "Oh yeah, Eren! There's a surprise for you at the end of the hall back there." He pointed in the direction that my so called 'surprise' was and went the opposite way. I felt relieved when Jean left, but I was curious to what he was referring to. I glanced down at my watch and saw that it was now two minutes before the bell rung. I had time to check whatever it was out, so I venture further down the hall, keeping an eye out for it.

I was searching for what seemed like forever, the second after the bell rang I saw it, or I should say him. Raven hair styled in an undercut, beautifully fair skin, piercing Silver eyes that seem to get more intense with changing emotions, it was definitely Levi. He was back and seemed to be doing fairly well. Yet he wasn't alone, as I usually saw him. No, an extremely tall and blonde male, with quite a large build was standing next to him. But this man wasn't just standing close to Levi, he was getting really handsy with him. Placing his meaty hands on Levi's tiny and delicate waist, I felt a burst of rage at the pit of my core. What made it worse was that Levi actually looked to be smiling. He was able to make Levi smile when all I could do was make him cry. Needless to say, I felt jealous. Really, I don't even think jealousy could describe how intense I was feeling at the moment. I saw them share a quick hug before going their separate ways, most likely heading to their classes, which was something I should do as well. I sat down in my seat and paid no attention to my teacher that was currently rambling about God knows what, my mind was focused on the scene that had just played out in front of me. No matter how much I tried not to think about it, my thoughts couldn't stop drifting to the look on Levi's face, how much happier he looked with that handsome devil in his life, and not me. I could feel the part of me that I'm not proud of was coming out again, the beast that landed me in this situation.

Throughout the day I had seen Levi with that same man and a few other unfamiliar faces. One of which was a brunette that was extremely loud and overly excited. I swear every time Levi and blondie were near each other I could feel my blood boil. I shot them dirty looks every time that I could, but it's not like they could even tell that I was doing it, it was more for myself than anything else.

The day went by painfully slow, but it was finally the last period. One more class and I can go home without worrying about seeing you know who for a set amount of hours. I was walking to my government class, and right when I thought that I was in the clear I saw them, hugging again of all things, but this time it was different. Instead of focusing on Levi and how good it must feel to be able to have that kind of contact with him, the nameless man decided to focus his attention on me. Staring directly at me while Levi had no knowledge of what was taking place behind him. Blue eyes were sending me a message, almost as if it were a warning. He was smugly telling me that Levi was his and to stay away. That was the final straw that broke the camel's back. Who the hell was this guy and why was he even with Levi? What makes him think he's worthy to even be with Levi?! I shot him a glare that I didn't even know I was capable of making, it was almost animalistic, and turned around, heading in the opposite direction of my class. I didn't care about Stats at the moment, or any subject for that matter, I needed answers and I was getting them. I hid in a storage closet that I knew Levi was to pass on the way to his final lecture room and waited with the door slightly open so I could look through the slit. I saw a familiar raven and the moment he was close enough I pulled him in with me, hoping that no one, especially an administrator, saw it. Throwing him into the center of the room, I then blocked the door with my body.

Even in the darkness, I could see that he was panicked, to say the least. But that emotion seemed to fade as a word, no, a name, left his mouth. My name to be more specific. "Eren", it wasn't really a question, more of a statement, he was sure it was me even in the pitch black. I reached my hand on the wall and felt for a switch, flipping it on when successfully locating it. We could now fully examine each other, he was clearly shocked, either from me abruptly forcing him into here or of how pissed I must appear at the moment, probably both. But that shock didn't last long as his face soon morphed into one of anger, challenging mine. "What the fuck is your problem Eren?! I thought I made it pretty damn clear to stay the hell away from me! Either you're a dense fucking idiot or you're not sorry for any of the shit you've done, which is it?!" His face was scarlet red, obviously, he wanted answers, but I did too and my attention was solely focused on getting them.

"Who is he?" I said as calmly as I could.

"What are you going on about?" Levi responded, bewilderment painted on his face.

"Who the hell is he, Levi?!" This time it was more aggressive.

"I really have no living clue who you're speaking of. But if you think you're going to continue yelling and I'm just going to take it, then you've got another thing coming, Jaeger. Now, get the hell out of my way or you'll be sorry." He tried to push me out of the way but I grabbed his wrist before he was successful.

"Tell me who that asshole with the huge eyebrows is. What is he to you anyway, you two fucking or something?!" I was so far into my anger that I wasn't registering my words or actions.

"Are you talking about Erwin?" His eyes narrowed at the realization of who I was referring to.

"So that's his name?" I felt somewhat proud of myself for being able to get that bit of information now.

"Yeah, that's his name. And what are you going to do now, Eren? Take away another good thing in my life? Are you not satisfied with what you've already accomplished? Will you never be happy until I'm completely destroyed, because I came pretty fucking close to that if you don't remember!" That red that covered his face not too long ago was restored once again.

"Levi, listen-"

"No! I'm sick of hearing the bullshit that falls from your mouth! You listen to me, Eren Jaeger. I've dealt with enough of your crap from the four years of high school to last me a lifetime. I honestly don't know why or how I put up with it so long, but I'm telling you this right now, I'm not going to play victim to it any longer. I don't know what I ever did to make you despise me so much, and I doubt you'll ever tell me. I especially don't know what problem you have with Erwin. Is it because I'm happy with him, and you just can't stand me feeling any ounce of joy in my miserable life. Once again, I don't know and I don't really think I care anymore. But I'm warning you Eren, I'm not holding back anymore. If you want a fight, I'll give you a motherfucking war." I was fixated on Levi's eyes while he gave his speech. There was something in them that I haven't seen in a great deal of time, passion. That fire that was lost along the way was regained once again, and something told me that Erwin was responsible for that. Even though it was because of the doing of that man, seeing that fire raging seemed to melt my anger away.

"Do you want to know why I'm like this? Why I don't like you and Erwin being together? Why I pushed you away and broke your trust beyond repair? The reasoning why I unjustly did all those horrible and unspeakable things to you?" I said in a defeated voice while calmly walking closer to him, and stopping while just inches apart from each other. "It's because I was too much of a coward to do this." Levi froze and all he could do was look as I grabbed hold of his chin, our lips slowly met and his eyes comically widened.

I kissed him, and now there was no return. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> We got to experience the devil's pov once again, and got a little bit of ereri at the end. Eren is one confusing and irrational mofo. I'm not really as happy with this chapter as I am with some of my others, but I hope you enjoyed it. Please let me know how you feel, I love reading comments.


	12. Take My Mind

I had never experienced true paralysis until this current moment. There have been instances of forced immobilization due to the works of the man that was now pressing his lips up against mine, and his clique. Times where my movement has been restricted manually while I was embarrassed with plenty of spectators there to bask in my humiliation. But this was a different feeling entirely. The source of my incapacity was completely internal. No outside power was present to physically attack my body. The only thing that was leaving me defenseless was myself, more specifically my mind. It was what cut off the nerve impulses reaching my limbs. The icy sensation shooting through the majority of my body, contradicted yet complimented by the overbearing heat in my chest from the ever rapid beating of my heart was all my own doing, whether it be subconscious or not.

What in the actual hell was going on? The person that has hated me for almost four years, the one that has brought nothing but pain and misery every time we, unfortunately, wound up in the same area. The being that I finally learned to despise and disregard of the fledgling fantasy of them returning to the self that I had grown accustomed to as a child, he was now kissing me.

I'd be lying if I said a small part of me didn't want to let my eyes flutter closed and enjoy this moment. This situation brought out a terrifying realization, no matter what Eren does and how much I can hate him with every fiber of my being, I will always carry a slimmer of feeling for this boy. And my feelings are only for what exactly I stated, the boy. Not the man that is in my presence, but the boy I had grown to love. The boy who was swallowed by this entity that was unrecognizable in my eyes. I will forever have a tenderness for that sweet and bright eyed kid, maybe that's the reason that I haven't moved in what was only a few seconds but felt like hours. His kiss brought back memories that shook me to my core, both endearing and agonizing reminiscence. However, the unpleasant thoughts quickly outshined the hope of pleasing ones entering the center stage of my mind. No, instead they were acting as the background dancers to the dread in my life. Dread caused by Eren Jaeger. The mere musing of his name allowed me to gather the strength needed to put our little "moment" to an end.

I lifted my once limp arms and placed them firmly on his chest. I hadn't even given him the time to react to the slight change in position before I pushed against him with an amount of force that I wasn't even aware that I had. Eren was violently thrown back, his shoulders hitting the door that he was blocking not too long ago, eyes widening in what looked to be like pain. He opened his mouth in an attempt to speak but I quickly cut him off.

"What the actual fuck Jaeger?!" I said, venom clearly lacing every word.

"Levi, I-", was all that could escape before I interrupted him once more.

"NO! Shut the everliving fuck up! You don't get to speak." To any outsider, I might be perceived to be overreacting, but I was well within my rights to explode the way I currently was doing. After all the shit he's pulled, he has the audacity to kiss me. I bet it's for shits and giggles anyway. Just another way to manipulate me for their amusement. They wanted to see how much of a Faggerman I truly was. Even though they probably already saw me with Erwin, which confirmed me to be gay. They probably just wanted to see me kissing the guy that hurts me both physically and emotionally, adding masochistic to their book of insults. "What's your game?" he looked at me a little more than slightly confused. "I said, what's your game Eren?!" My patience was running thinner with every second I was trapped in this room with him.

"What game?" His response only angered me further.

"Don't you dare even try to play coy with me! It's not going to work anymore. So where are you hiding the camera recording all of this?" I glanced around the room, looking for said object. "Or is your group of douchebag friends all outside, waiting to barge in at any given moment?" I took a step while saying, resulting in him clenching around the door as if he was afraid that I would use this moment to escape. "So what is it Eren, tell me." My arms were now crossed and resting on my chest, my hip slightly shifting to the right as I waited for his answer.

"L-Levi, I honestly don't know what you're talking about." He said innocently, making me almost physically ill.

"We're not getting anywhere if you keep up with this act of yours, though I will admit that you play it quite well. But since I would like to get the hell out of here, I'll help move this process along. How do you plan to use whatever you just did to ruin me any more than you already have? Plan to show the school that I really am the fag you say I am? Because it's pretty evident now that I walked in with Erwin. But maybe you wanna brand me with the tag of a dirty, masochistic whore who cheats on his boyfriend with his bully. Is that what you and your crew have planned? Honestly, I'd believe that since you've stooped lower than that before. Plus it would be the only logical explanation as to why you kissed me. You acting mad and calling yourself a coward was that exactly, an act to throw me off and let my guard down so you can get your final blow. Now, why don't you confirm my suspicions so we can end this?" I was actually winded with my final sentence. But not from the amount I said, but from the relief of lifting the weight off of my chest. I stared directly into Eren's eyes and saw a glimpse of something I hadn't seen in awhile, sadness. But I could tell it wasn't the disappointment someone feels when their plans are found out. No, something else was eating away at him.

"That's why you think I kissed you?" He finally had the opportunity to finish his sentence since I cooled down a bit.

"Why else would you do it if it weren't for your own personal game?" I retorted

"Damn" he muttered under his breath just loud enough for me to hear. Eyes focused on the ground below his feet before looking up at me once more. "I have really fucked up, haven't I? And me dragging you in this storage room and kissing you isn't really helping. However, this wouldn't have gone well no matter how I approached the subject." I really had no clue as to what he was referring to at the moment.

"Seriously Eren, what are you going on about and why are we here? I'm really close to snapping at this point." I could only be in the same room as him for so long before hell breaks loose.

"Levi," he says stepping forward, pushing himself off the door and walking towards me. I was able to step back in time before I felt and outside warmth around the upper half of my body. "I was really worried about you." His voice sounding disturbingly genuine.

That was the last straw, I pushed him off for a second time. "Stop pretending to care about me because I'm done playing with you Eren, let me the fuck outta here!" I screamed not caring how loud it came off. "These jokes have gone on long enough, I'm tired. I'm fucking exhausted from being a running gag for years Eren. It's getting pretty old don't you think?!" If I could see myself right now, I wouldn't be surprised if steam was escaping from my pores.

"I know I have no right for you to listen to what I have to say, let alone believe it. But I promise you that I'm not lying. Look into my eyes, you could always tell if I was lying that way when we were kids." He pauses for a moment which allowed me the chance to gazed into the turquoise orbs of perfection. "I really was worried about you, Levi." I desperately searched for any sign to indicate that he was lying, but to no avail. He was telling the truth and that terrified me.

"Tell me why you kissed me." He didn't answer but instead, his eyes drifted to the floor. "Why did you kiss me, Eren?!" I demanded, desperate for an answer, for the truth.

"Because I..." he stops abruptly, choking on his sentence.

"Because you what, Eren?" I pushed further, needing to know.

"I love you." He says quietly, almost unsure of his words. "It's because I love you, goddammit." Eren repeats, this time louder, solidify his declaration.

Love? Does he love me? No, he loves to make fun of me. Loves to break me down till I'm nothing but the remnants of a human being. Unless love is a completely foreign definition to me and everyone else in this world. Unless love is an utterly fucked up concept in his perspective, Eren Jaeger does not love me. "No", was all I could muster to say.

"No?" he questioned

"No, you don't. You don't love me. I'll ask one more time, why did you kiss me?" I found myself again focusing on his eyes, looking for a truthful answer. Yet I found something else entirely. Tears gathering in the corners, threatening to fall with each waking second.

"I told you, it's because-" his voice was hoarse, and I took the opportunity to talk over him.

"Be quiet, stop lying to me and tell me the truth! Why?!" I was hollering, the vibration of the straining done to my vocal cords from this act was felt throughout my every cell.

His cheeks were now clenching onto the water that has now fallen from the oceanic orbs. "I'm so sorry, Levi." The pain in those words took my breath away. The impact was hard enough it actually dilated my pupils, resulting in a short time of blurred vision.

When eyes were set back to their prime focus, I was bombarded with self-questioning ideas. One question befell all the others. "How long, Eren? You have loved me for how long?"

"Since... the beginning of high school. No, I think I've always loved you since the day we met, I just didn't realize it till then. Or maybe I just didn't want to." He said that last part softer than the rest.

"You mean to tell me, that you left me, beat me down, broke my spirit and ruin what was supposed to be the greatest years of my life because you loved me. Do you really expect me to accept that?"

"I was scared." He pleaded

"Yeah Eren, and I was scared to. I was scared every day I came to school. Every time I crossed your path in the hallways. I was scared when you pulled me into this room. Scared now looking at your face directly longer than any occurrence these past few years. And now I'm terrified of what you're telling me. You don't inflict pain on the people you love, the people you care about. Would you do this to your mother, is that how you would love her? Or am I so worthless that I only deserve a complicated affection?" My words seemed to have stricken a chord with him. A chord not plucked for quite some time.

"No Levi, you're not worthless. You're anything but that. I'm the one that should be called worthless. I was the one who couldn't tell you how I felt so I instead used you to beat my frustrations. I was the one who thought I wasn't good enough to be with you, so I attempted to crush you down to my level. But all it did was prove that I'm not worth your time. I was the one terrified of the thought of pursuing your love past the point of friendship, so I tried to fill the void with only girls that were willing to sleep with me, and there were a lot. Convincing myself that sex would mean nothing with them since I wasn't in the slightest attracted to their gender. But now it's clear that it doesn't mean anything, regardless of biology, if it's not with someone you love. I allowed you to be bullied for your own orientation when I share that in common with you. When I know that it is it something you can control, nor can you change, but I still did it." He was sobbing at this point and took in a sharp inhale before continuing. "But worst of all, I made you believe that this was all your own doing. That you lost your best friend because it was your fault. That you were tortured for the things you had done. That you deserved to die because of all of it. When the truth is, the only thing you did wrong... was making a pathetic beast fall for you." Eren collapsed to the floor as if he had given his final speech to the universe. His hands held the heavy weight of his head, sheltering his face from being seen at his most vulnerable.

I stared down at him, completely broken and taken apart. It reminded me of myself in an earlier state and all events that lead up to that point. The bell ringing as an indication that school was over awoke me from my trance. "Eren move." This time he did as I had told him, for the first time in what felt like forever, I had power over him, and it was liberating. I twisted the knob and opened the door in one fluid motion, but before I stepped out, I looked back and called out. "Eren, you're wrong." His face was out of his hands, as crimson shot eyes were concentrated in my direction. "You're wrong because the only mistake I made... was ever letting you into my life." That seemed to be the final nail in his coffin, his final breaking point. With that said I walked toward the exit of our school, seeing a familiar blonde man waiting for me. When I finally reached Erwin he kissed the top of my head and pulled me into a hug.

"Are you okay?" He seemed really concerned. "Your eyes are red, did something happen?" my hand immediately shot up to my face, touching my right temple. When the hell did I start crying?

I looked back at him and grabbed his hand, interlocking our fingers. "I'm fine", I said as I lead us out of the school. "Nothing happened", nothing important at least. As far as I'm concerned, Eren Jaeger should be the last thing on my mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I managed to get this out before the storm knocks out my power. I live in central Florida so Irma is on the way. I'll update you guys after the storm if I'm able to. I'm sorry that I couldn't get this out earlier and that it was a bit short, but most of my time was spent preparing for this storm. Hopefully I can make it up to you guys with the bonus chapter I have planned for next week, if power is out for too long.


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